ohh...this ol' thing...

these are the looks I'm trying to avoid...while lying

I have a confession to make...yeah I know its not Sunday...don't worry I have plenty more.

I lie to the dirt pusher.

Not about important things...just when I buy new clothes and jewelry...oh and shoes.  I'm not even married to the guy yet and I'm already lying...and about the money in my own damn bank account...it really makes no sense.  I know I shop too much...but....I can't help myself...and what I don't understand is how a guy with little need for any more than just ONE of ANYTHING...notices tiny details like if I have a new pair of earrings on.  Seriously?...he doesn't even notice that he has scuffs on his new shoes unless I say something...or paint on his new flip flops...yes people he painted in his brand new flip flops...I may rip his face off. 

So sometimes to avoid my internal guilt..I lie.  Don't judge me.  I will say something like "oh..this...no..I've had this forever"...and then I look away....because I can't stand to look him in they eye this guy NEVER lies.  It's not because he really cares or would be upset or anything...and he knows all my bad habits and somehow can look past them sucker...so really there is no reason to fib I'm saying fib now cuz it makes me feel better about lying. And don't get me wrong I'm not one of those people with credit card debt out the ass...I'm debt free other than my mortgage and Trudy's car payment would rather have a Harley....but still.. I should put more money in savings and do whatever responsible horribly dressed people do...invest or whatever.

Today I got by him with a whole new outfit including earrings and a big flower ring totally cute.  Luckily I only saw him for a little bit because I was getting off of work and he was going to work....we were chit chatting at my moms and I was on one of my long winded babbling spree's and I could tell he was up and downing me...but he didn't want to interrupt my important babble..and by tomorrow he will have forgotten #winning.... so the next time he sees the outfit..I can say..."oh no..remember I was wearing this last Thursday." 

This is something we are working on..not interrupting each other mostly him because I have important things to say because when you get two people together that have ADD...the conversation is incredibly annoying. 

And for the record...in my opinion..the whole new outfit thing isn't totally my fault ...really.  I was actually going to the liquor store to purchase some Margarita mix don't judge me and just happened to notice two of my favorite clothing stores side by side on my way.  I'm not sure who decided to place these two clothing stores right next to Albertson's liquor store...but...I'll tell you what I think...pure genius. 

Husband One, Two ..or was it Three?

I start my day's with a smile on my face because I have this friend..she likes to be called Elizabeth Taylor...

She does have some Elizabeth Taylor traits...they both have had a lot of husbands...but at first glance she reminds me more of the girl next door....but don't let looks fool you...she is a wild one...and she is so damn nice.  I get to see her every morning and she brews up my favorite Skinny Hazelnut Latte just the way I like it.  I look forward to our morning chats as we catch bitch up on kids, jobs, boyfriends, ex boyfriends, soon to be ex boyfriends, blind dates, my parents.. always a good source of smirks and laughs...and well.....husbands.  I have to admit Lizzy is a bit ahead of me in the game of ex-husbands and I'm kind of jealous.  Right now I can only claim one douche bag.  Lizzy is a hopeless romantic...I love this about her... 

This morning as I was waiting for my 'mojo' in a cup she talked about an up coming trip out of the country and told me she finally and applied for her passport.  Of course..in true Lizzy fashion she has waited until the last minute and now has to expedite the passport process...pfffft.....

She says to me...with big wide eyes as she leans over towards me with her baby hairs falling out of her ponytail like they normally do...whispering...with a small giggle of surprise... "You know the part of the application you have to list all of your marriages?"  I sort of nodded..trying to remember..only having one to list...so I don't think it quite stood out to me... but I nodded and said "Yeah"...even though I didn't remember.  And she says to me..."Guess how many pages I needed?"  This is were I snorted I have been snorting a lot lately and spit on myself...and said "How many?"...and she looked around and looked back at me and whispered "Two...and I couldn't tell the lady that the guy I'm married to now...I'm divorcing..that would have required a third page"...

I couldn't stop laughing as I was dropping the blueberries she had just handed me....she is a good sharer.. and she knows I eat fruit for breakfast even though I would much prefer one of her exceptionally delicious carmel rolls...sitting beautifully on the counter right in FRONT of my face....I hate that skinny bitch.  Anyway...she said "You wanna know the funny part?"  She is still whispering and leaning over and looking around to make sure no one is listening...this is were I'm thinking...this shit gets funnier?  She says "I can't remember all of their birthdays...and they wanted to know the dates of the divorces...and I had to guess."

We are both crossing our fingers that this doesn't slow down the expedition of the passport process.  Although I think she is pretty damn special...I told her I didn't think that the govt would think that her quest for Mr. Perfect and the fact that she is a hopeless romantic would be the craziest thing they have ever seen on a passport application.

Here's to love...and Mr. Wonderful...where are you husband #10...the bitch can cook and make a good latte....I'm thinking about marrying her myself.
  

ohh ball sacs...or sacks...

Ohh ball sacs..or sacks ...shit I don't know....but...check it....OUT....

can you see it?..

Here let me show you a closer view....

do you see the 'balls' hanging from the ball?

I think these little 'balls of fun' are just ....so classy...I'm being sarcastic here in case you can't tell...

I got to enjoy this view on my way back to the 'fun factory' after my lunch break.

It's lovely isn't it?  I think it especially goes well with the Confederate Flags flying and the pit bulls growling in the back...I think the whole ensemble just goes together to scream a big fat ..."Hey look at me...I'm an uneducated asshole...and this dangly ball sack takes my whole 'look' a level higher".... 

My neighbor's wife had one of these adorable ball sacks hanging from her rear view mirror...a smaller size of course....they were purple...*smirk*....I'm not sure if this was symbolic or not....

A Big Burly Ball of Love

You may not know this but I have a pretty kick ass dad...he looks all big and burly and tough...but I have a secret...He isn't...

He is a big burly ball of love.

He is the dad that still hooks his arm around my neck and pulls me in for a kiss on the forehead and gives me 'love swats' on the butt. He is the guy with the big ol' bald head that I still love to rub and kiss.

As a kid he was never the disciplinarian.  I don't think he even knew what discipline was and if it weren't for my mom I'm pretty sure me and my sister would both be spending time in the state pen...he was often a good example of what not to do...but no need to go into that...*smirk*

He was and is still the dad/grandpa that puts on HUGE Easter Egg Hunts for every kid he knows....so that he is sure that every kid get lots of candy.  He always goes through to make sure everyone has a bucket full and has the same shit eatin grin on his face and happy laugh that he had when I was a kid after he was sure everyone had made out like bandits.

He is the dad that forbid me to join the military when I got out of high school but still showed up at the airport to say his goodbyes and be supportive even though I went against his wishes.... with sunglasses hiding his tears as I boarded the plane.

He is the dad that took us kids to every carnival in the region when we were old enough to walk and had us on roller coasters by the time we were 5 years old...he also made sure he took our friends.  He loved to ride the rides with us and mostly loved to feed us full of cotton candy and junk food.  He made us believe that carnivals where one one the best things in life and for a few years of my life...me and my friend Brandi knew for sure that we wanted a career in carnival...yes we wanted to be carnies....see this is the type of behavior my dad promoted.  I believe I remember him even laughing and telling that was a great idea.

My dad taught me how to drive.  I believe that alone deserves a Noble Peace Prize....mostly because this man can not drive...it's scary people...really really scary.  Don't get in a vehicle with this man...consider this a warning. 

He taught me and my sister how to work hard.  My dad has always been a hard worker and worked to make sure my mom could stay home and raise us girls and take care of the home...he was old school like that.  In fact I don't even know that he knows what else to do other than work.  He doesn't have hobbies.  In his mind his purpose on this earth is to provide for his family and love them.  That is what he does.  He also expect us kids to work hard and take pride in our efforts.  We were expected to have jobs as teenagers and learn how to earn a dollar..but also spoiled us at the same time...but not in a way that we had as sense of entitlement.

He treats women with respect and showed us girls and still shows us today...how a man remains faithful to the woman he loves.

My dad has a stutter.  I don't really notice it but other people do.  It's interesting how a disability makes other people uncomfortable and sometimes they say things that aren't nice.  It is hard for me not to throttle their asses and get very defensive even though I know its their own ignorance.  I know that he has been bullied and teased due to his stutter and that really upsets me... beyond any words that I could possibly write down...mostly because he is incredibly smart and sometimes doesn't have the ability to get out what he needs to say.  He has shown me how to accept myself for who I am and not worry so much about what others think or say about me...just to be me...

He is a man that spent two tours in Vietnam to fight for our freedom and earned a purple heart.  He saw things that no man should ever have to see.  Vietnam I believed changed him forever like it did many men that fought there.  For that sacrifice I will forever be grateful and will always respect him.

My dad won't see this.  He is still struggling to figure out the cell phone..my friend Kristal asked me the other day if he texted because she couldn't get him on the phone and I almost and I choked and spit on myself in a fit of laughter.... and I have lost all hope that he will ever even try to use a computer...I tried once to teach him how to use a mouse...yeah...not gonna happen.  But I thought you should know...I like him...just a little...*smiling*

Stats for the Weekend

Warning:  I know I should be taking a break from yapping about the dirt pusher...but he is a constant source of amusement...I will stop after today....maybe..

500 Miles -  Round Trip to Nebraska and back in the bus...ie the Yukon that I have hated, cussed and attempted to stab with sharp objects multiple times....but I would like to give the ol' beast a shout out for not only getting the dirt pusher and the 'Hockey Sticks' the dirt pushers girls to Grand Forks, ND and back last week but also our family to the fine state of NE you know you are in NE when everyone around you is driving like idiots...that is what the dirt pusher said..not me and back....I think the ol' girl just might be redeeming herself in my book..other than the fact I can't stand people who drive over sized vehicles.  So apparently I can't stand myself...but when you have a ton of kids...what are the options?  I will tell you what the options are...1. Don't take them with you...which is my favorite...or 2. Duct tape them on the luggage rack this is the dirt pushers idea...which is frowned  upon by DFS ....apparently so is screaming at them and chasing them around the yard with a flyswatter...but whatever..


80 Million - The number of times that the dirt pusher slammed the TomTom onto the dashboard...he claims this always gets it working again...umm....maybe this is why it doesn't work in the first place...which isn't true...this might work for him but I tried banging it on the dashboard and it still wouldn't work....maybe I need to put  more muscle behind it....he said you have to bang it on something and then touch the key pad really gently...what?  OK..got it...bang it really hard...then touch gently...Did I mention I didn't Google the directions the night before because he said "Don't worry...I got the TomTom"...uhh yeah okay note to self...Google the damn directions.


12 Hundred - The number of times that the Sirius Radio shorted out...another one of the many electrical gadgets that the dirt pusher has managed to duct tape together and still  insists works just fine.  Every time it would go out he would say "mmummble mummble friggin"...friggin is his favorite cuss word.  He doesn't think using the eff word is appropriate so he says friggin....adorable...*smirk*  I say the eff word.  I'm shocked he hasn't duct taped my filthy mouth....

1 - Tornado cloud and one huge storm.  I guess this is the heartland of tornado alley...the girls were convinced this was our last living moment...but don't worry ...the dirt pusher got us through it all while finagling the Sirius....oh and saying 'friggin' ALOT....

1 - The number of creepy guys cheering Trudy on while she was pitching in a girls fastpitch game.  I have a tendency to talk to just about anybody really.  I noticed this creepy stranger mumbling to himself regarding the game..although I couldn't tell which team he was rooting for.  So of course I struck up convo with the creep...its what I do..I talk to anybody...I like strangers...I'm especially fond of weirdo's.  One of the many ways my parents have failed...no one taught me 'Stranger Danger'.

8 hours - Of Trudy and MiMi talking in their sleep...as if their non stop talking isn't enough when they are awake.....I think it is cute when we stuff our whole family in one hotel room...its cozy...and we get to know each other in ways we normally don't....for instance i didn't know that Rowdy has turned into a hormonal pre-teen that will try to snuggle with his step sister if he thinks he can get away with it...little freak.

Weiners & Nuts

Well the dirt pusher found the blog.  Even with his non-existent capacity for technology...apparently anybody can use the internet these days.    I honestly didn't think he could even find the power button on the computer SHIT.

He says to me "I read your blog last night."
I look at him sweetly as if I appreciate his interest...and say "oh really?...which post do you read."..my voice was about an octive higher than normal here...as I was trying to cover up the cussing under my breathe.  This isn't good..not good at all...

He says "The one about called Helllllooo Can You Hear Me.  He isn't looking amused as he said this...he had an eye brow up and had his head tilted to the side...I'm not familiar with this look...it's a new one...I'm starting to sweat under one armpit...yes just one...for some reason when I'm nervous I sweat under the right one..but not the left one...don't judge me...I can't control it....I asked how many he had read.  He said that he had read a few....really?... shit!

So I will need to lay off the dirt pusher for a while.  Don't worry though...he will forget about the blog....I just have to give it a couple weeks...then I can go back to telling you about how he looks like Elmer Fudd when he drives, thinks duct tape is adequate to repair crashed car bumpers...wore knee socks with his shorts and tennis shoes on our first date...i know adorable...

I can however talk about Representative Anthony Weiner...how fitting is it that a guy with the last name Weiner sends 'lewd' pictures of himself to women through the modern technology of Twitter and Facebook....as if this is shocking?  If my last name was Weiner I would send 'lewd' pictures of myself to people too...heck I would have mass distributions...I love to say lewd...llllleeeeewwwddddd...I'm saying it right now.....  What is even more hilarious is that Bill Clinton officiated his wedding....I can't even say that out loud with out spitting on myself and snorting...

All this talk about Weiner makes me think about how much I love nuts. 

No really I love nuts.

Any kind of nut....almond, walnut, pistachio, peanut...you name it...I like it...not like it...I love it...and sunflower seeds....which is like a nut....

I'm thinking of taking 'lewd' pictures of me with my nuts.

Crossing Borders For Dummies

Went to a different state a few weekends ago.  Trudy plays every sport known to man and it requires quite a bit of traveling.  You would think that this would make me a seasoned traveler...this is not the case...you may have gotten that drift in Trophy Shot or maybe North, South, East...WHAT!  Anyway... regardless  of this directional disability...I had to cross state lines.

My friend KC (the same friend I was chatting with when I had the temper tantrum in Walmart and lost my cell phone a few weeks ago...yeah her...Hidden Fantasy) she lent me her GPS.  Wow....that is all I can say.  I got in the car...got where I needed to go...I didn't cause or almost cause any major accidents and was relatively calm and actually fun to be with in the car...ask Truds...she will tell ya.  The lady's voice on the GPS talking really startled me every time she spoke at first...I jumped a lot...but eventually I fell in love with her..I call her Greta.  In the car I was actually the independent woman I normally am.  So to my KC...I love you...but I really like your Greta. *wink*

This GPS thing is way more reliable that my flighty airheaded mother or the dirt pusher who thinks the world revolves around the sun ok it does whatever and doesn't understand my inability to grasp the concept.  My momma is the woman I found walking home yesterday as I pulled into the driveway...with her vehicle no where in sight.  I said..."uhhh what are you doing and where is your truck"...the look on her face was priceless...as she said "oh damnit I forgot my truck".  Really?...you walk home and totally forget you have a vehicle that you left behind? Ok...in her defense...the vehicle was right around the corner at the neighbors where she decided to stop at the last moment and she has been up for several days pumping water out of her flooding basement so she is rightfully a bit loopy...but my point is...a Greta would be a much more reliable source of direction.

I had made a comment on Facebook about going to the certain state in question and my friend Leeesha saw it...you know the one that thinks she can make me famous.  Well actually her husband TimmyR saw it and of course called her and said "Did you see Rosa's post?"  They do this.  Text, IM, chat..whatever...constantly. Long story short...I wasn't aware that the place I was going to was so close to her place of habitat.  I don't know these things and was actually quite pleased with myself that I was actually able to get where I needed to go...just me and Greta....even if I didn't actually know where I was going...it didn't matter..Greta knew.  I also couldn't be bothered by the fact that I couldn't remember where exactly I was going or the name of it...there were two towns that both started with an "L".  Who knew that two towns starting with the same letter of the alphabet could be so confusing.

I'm getting a Greta.

And the Award Goes To.....

You might remember not too long ago that I got the "Cherry On Top" award from the 'Onion'.   She likes me...  I promised to post 5 of my favorite blogs. 

Here they are....

1.  The Onion  - I loooove the Onion.  That betch has a lot of layers....

2.  Absolutely Narcissism - mostly this little gal is hilarious...and a self admitted narcissist.  I mean that is what blogging is about right...

3.  Hormonal Imbalances - I just like her hormonal imbalances...

4. A Bitch Called Mom - hilariously bitchy...and I get her...maybe because I'm bitchy?

5.  Life In The Sun - I do like a serious thought occasionally....