Tuesday, January 1, 2013

2013. Bring It Buttercup.

2013 is HERE!  Thank you dear lord Jesus!  2012 sucked balls.  I am glad it is over.  Good riddance.  Good bye.  Hasta la Vista.  Aufedersein.  You get the point.  2012 can kiss my ass grits.  I will warn you now, this is going to be the longest blog post in world history.  I have big plans this year.  BIG PLANS.

Disclosure: The following events will not start until February, there is too much pressure with everyone watching in January.

I am going to start by saying I will neither get married or get divorced this year.  And I definitely won't be doing both.  This might not sound like a difficult thing to most of you, but for some of us, this seems to be an issue.

I am going to stop having imaginary conversations in the shower.  Especially imaginary arguments.

I am going to start following the traffic laws and stop acting like everyone else on the road is an idiot except me, when I know damn well I am the problem. 

I will stop watching Sister Wives. But if I do by accident, I will not cry.  Unless a dog dies, then it would be OK.

I will become more environmentally friendly.  I will stop using Styrofoam cups from the Loaf and Jug, even though a drink in a Styrofoam cup is pretty awesome.  I'm taking one for the team here.

I will not lose weight.  I hope this one will be like reverse psychology since I will probably only do half of the things I am promising in this post.

I will stop hitting snooze on the alarm clock a million times on work mornings.  I hope this will prevent the issue I seem to have with getting my underwear on right side out when I am in a rush. 

I will continue to try to convince my boss that I should work from home.  I think I could be VERY productive in my pajamas and with bedhead and I would like the opportunity to prove it.

I am not going to try to convince my kids to zombify every costume idea they have at Halloween.  Even though everyone knows a zombie Honey Boo Boo or zombie Superman would be pretty damn cool.  Whatev.

I am going to stop cussing.  I really am going to do this.  Really.
This is the look I need to stop giving the boy when he speaks French.
I will try to be smarter and understand the things Rowdy talks to me about, rather than just looking at him with a blank face and pretending to understand what the hell he is talking about.

I am going to play the flute more.  Just kidding, I have no idea how to play the flute.  I could play the recorder though.  That is a kick ass instrument.  I can say ass, it isn't February yet.

I am going to stop spending endless hours scrolling mindlessly through Pinterest.  It is stupid.  I just sit there.  For hours.  Practically drooling on myself because my brain is so shut down.  I have got to stop.  Maybe set a time limit. I don't know.

I am going to stop using ..... as a replacement for a comma.  And I am going to start using capitalization sometimes.  I also might start proofreading my blog posts before I publish them, maybe.  Honestly, I hate to commit to that.

I am going to stop fantasizing about Sam Champion and focus my attention on Josh Elliot in the morning while watching GMA.  Since Sam got married last week, I have had to come to terms with the fact that Sam is gay and now married.  Jerk.

I will stop over using the word 'Wenis'.  And I will not make wenis jokes.   Don't confuse wenis with penis.  I will still be making penis jokes.  I would like to state for the record penis is not a cuss word. 

I am going to decide what breed of dog I will get.  If I decide to get a dog that is.  Maybe I should decide if I am going to even get a dog first. 

This actually started out as a self portrait.
I will pay more attention to the topic at hand when I am in a meeting as long as it doesn't last more than 5 minutes.   I will no longer be doodling pictures like the one above.  While in meetings, I will take legitimate notes.  I will not continue to take a strange word that has been used by someone else and write various sentences using the strange word monkey wrench.  I will also not write the name of the President of the company in my notes with hearts by his name.  That is not appropriate.  Also, I will no longer imagine myself using my co-workers hair to make a mustache on my upper lip, in a meeting.

I will no longer have a Tupperware cupboard that looks like a hurricane rolled through it.  I will keep it tidy and organized.  That is a lie.

I will stop using enie menie minie moe as a tool to make big life decisions.

But mostly, I am going to be sarcastic.  That I know I can do.



  1. You. Cannot. Stop. Using. Enie-Meinie-Minie-Moe.

  2. Yeah prob not. Big decisions are just too much pressure.