Thursday, March 31, 2011

Trophy Shot

This has been one of the worst weeks of my life.

I'm anxiety ridden.

I have been taking this Hunter Safety course...and I'm miserable.

I found out last night that during the field test I will have to demonstrate safe gun handling while crossing a fence.  This is causing me a lot of distress.  I don't cross fences.  I don't climb them..I don't hop over them...I don't straddle them...I don't climb between rails..and I definitely do not squeeze between barbed wire.  I tried squeezing between barbed wire once..and it didn't end well.  I tore my very favorite bright yellow satin pants in the 3rd grade.  I haven't done it again since.  I LOVED those pants!  So..instantly when the instructor mentioned this portion of the test I had a mild panic attack.  I was breathing heavy and sweating.  I think the heavy breathing and sweating caught the attention of the creep seated behind me.

Don't get me wrong.  I have a deep appreciation for these sportsmen and look up to a person with good hunting practices and ethics.  Pretty much every man in my life growing up was a dad even used to take me occasionally and "let" me carry the heavy ass backpack.  I just don't want to be a hunter. 

I'm taking this class because following in family tradition Rowdy needs to take this class and what kind of mom would I be if I didn't know exactly what my son was being taught.  I'll tell you what I would be...a mom at home in her jammies NOT cooking dinner like I want to be.

I did learn a couple things last night in class.  First of all.. Game Wardens are kinda cute and second of all I learned that if approached by a Mountain Lion (not that I could identify one quickly) to gather your group together and look "Big".  Apparently running is not a good idea.  While the class was getting all of the 'What to Do's' and the 'What Not to Do's'....I was picturing myself in this situation and found myself writing down notes as to why I don't like to wear orange.

Wearing orange for most hunting is the LAW.  The cute Game Warden said wearing orange socks isn't sufficient.  I understand the clothing requirements but asked if it was okay to wear just the orange socks if a person is wearing shorts and they were orange KNEE socks pulled up really high.  He said "No" and didn't look amused.

The Warden talked about a lot of things.  He mentioned maps.  Yeah..that was interesting. *smirk*

He talked about directions as in North, South, East, West.  He yammered on about South of this...North of that...blah blah blah.  I don't know my ass from my elbow when it comes to directions.  The Dirt Pusher pulls this direction shit on me occasionally.  "OK babe..when you come off the exit...go north...then the road will slight to the East...keep on going and when you get to the third light turn West."   I usually end up at a great shopping district..followed by the not so directionally challenged Dirt Pusher calling me wondering where I am.  Shopping is sort of like hunting..right?

One of the other exciting topics of the night was measurement.  The Warden kept speaking in "yards".  "If you are shooting and the animal is within a couple hundred yards of a fence line that crosses to private land...something something something."  On a good day I can determine the centimeter marks from the inch marks on a ruler.  I have no idea what a yard is. *I'm sneering here*

While I should have been paying attention, I also made a long list of reasons why I would rather just stick to target shooting.

The main reason is... when you are at the shooting range, you do not have to worry about bears.  The instructors keep stressing the importance of bear spray and frankly...they are making me a nervous wreck.  I really don't think if I see a bear I'm gonna be able to take the time to get out my 'species manual' to determine whether or not I'm being approached by a Grizzly Bear or a Black Bear.  The desired reaction is different depending on the bear..who knew?

With target shooting...the target doesn't move and you can target shoot close to home.  Both of these things make things simpler and I like to keep it simple.

You don't have to get up at the crack of dawn to target shoot.  I find waking up before 11am unnatural and will only do it for special for work or if I smell a really good breakfast cooking or for good shopping.

You don't have to wear orange for target shooting.  This is not a good color on anyone. 

I can't even think of what jewelry would go with an orange hoodie and I'm pretty sure my hair is going to get stuck in the barbed wire.

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

It's Not Always The Little Things...Sometimes It Is The Big Things

I am not this cute when I am irritable

I came home yesterday irritable and annoyed.

I don't know why.  I had a good day at the place of employment.

No one trapped me into talking to them when I didn't feel like it.

I got to hang out with two of my best girlfriends which is one of the best perks of the J.O.B.  Although there was a small discussion about this blog, I'm pretty sure Emma is a little nervous about me saying something she would rather I not.  I think Emma thinks I babble too, although she would never say it out loud.  I have a gut feeling her and my mother meet over coffee to discuss this issue...anyway... Emma seems concerned about keeping her anonymity.  I'm not really sure why any of that would worry her....pfffttt.  Emma is perfect.  She is smart (a published Molecular Biologist...I have a hard time even pronouncing that), she is funny, and almost always focused on the task at hand.  I spend most of my days trying to convince the boss that she is distracting ME with her non-stop babble in hopes that I will move up to the number one seat... "the favorite".  That is a whole other topic.

I personally didn't have any "My wife is trying to kill me...can you test my body tissue?" phone calls.

My phone was relatively quiet and after being absent the day before I only had a few emails and phone calls to tend to.  Not the normal "this is what you get for being gone" piles of crap on my desk.

Regardless of the day I was still irritable.

I got home and the Dirt Pusher was there waiting for me to go for a walk.  One of my favorite things.  Just me and him alone and me free to babble till my heart is content.  I like when I talk and he just nods his head in agreement and thinks the sun shines off my ass.  I believe this may be the reason this relationship works.

When he got out of his truck and met me in the driveway I noticed he had on the new leather shoes I had bought him for Christmas.  I instantly noticed all of the scuffs on the toes.  I asked him what he had been doing.  And he replied "I was helping so and so put down some new wood floors."  The Dirt Pusher does not understand that if you are going to be working in the yard, tearing engines apart, gutting animals or doing construction that you might not want to wear your "good" clothes.  I tried to hide my annoyance although unsuccessfully.  Luckily he has this adorable grin that makes me smile.  The Dirt Pusher thinks there is no need for more than two of any garment (one to wear and one for the wash).  He says.."Wear it till it wears out..then get a new one."  This applies to shoes, shirts, pants, get the point.  He is a man of little needs. (I am thankful this rule doesn't apply to underwear.)

For the first mile of our walk we went back and forth on the topic of as to why he should or should not wear these shoes everyday until the soles fall off regardless of what the task of the day might be.  He can't grasp the concept of changing if something unplanned comes up.  Eventually he agreed I was right.  This is usually the ending I am looking for... although Dr. Phil would say *southern accent* "Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy"  I think Dr. Phil is a dick...and when I am right I am happy.  I don't think the Dirt Pusher agreed because he actually agrees, I think he just wanted the conversation to move on.  Which I am glad it did.  We discussed a lot of things over the next mile (yes he can actually get in a word here and there).  We talked and walked and a few times he would say something and I would say..."See this is exactly why I love you!"  All of the core morals and values are the same.  All of the important things.

So I will not mention again when he is changing the oil in his new jeans.  I might twinge a little and clean up around him in my typical obsessive way.. but I know he will love me anyway.  Plus..I will have more room in the closet. 

Did I mention that he did some painting today?  He his new shoes.

Sunday, March 27, 2011

Never say Never.....

I divorced from the guy whom I spend 10 years of my life with about 6 years ago, I woke up to a note on the counter.. (yes people you heard that right..a note) saying I don't want to be married to you anymore blah blah blah...anyway not that it was really a big shocker.  After the previous five years of what my BIFF (Alyster) calls a bad case of the 'wandering wee wee'.  I'm not sure if that is technically a medical condition but if not I do believe it should be studied, but all that isn't really what this post is about.

I would like to introduce you to internet dating.  For those of you blissfully married...consider your self blessed by the grace of God.  I used to giggle and laugh and make fun of this dating operation.  I mean really... who goes on dates with people based on a profile written by that very person?  Seriously..who is going to write a profile that would reflect negatively about themselves.  I think it makes much more sense for these profiles to be composed of writings by ex-girlfriends, previous or present wives, maybe even neighbors (neighbors know a lot) or even a judge that..say... might happen to know this person well.   I never thought that I would ever even consider this non-sense.  But one thing I have learned the hard way is Never say NEVER! get the point.  I signed up after being single for sometime after breaking up neighbor.

                                            "the neighbor"

I didn't just sign up.  I went after it with gusto!  I've always been very practical and I thought well if I'm going to pay $39.95 for three months of this service I'm damn well gonna get my money's worth.  I do not take finances lightly and pride myself on financial security and knowing to the penny how much money I have in the bank at all times (something I obsess about, one of the many).  So I posted a half-ass profile biography.  Apparently you can 'wink' at people on these sites..I know I don't get it either, this makes me laugh hysterically.  It is like poking someone on Facebook, here is a note to my 2 followers...if you want to say "hi" just say it, I've never been a fan of poking.  So of course there were 'winks' after posting my bio (I call it bio because I think that makes me sound legit).  I did not 'wink' back at the folks 'winking' at me, I would send them actual real life messages back, I mean after all I didn't sign up to 'wink' at people.  Pretty soon this site became almost a part time job, trying to memorize who was who.  I was exhausted and meeting for coffee several times a weekend except on Sundays, I reserve this day for crawling out of bed at like 11:00am and brushing my teeth at most (my deepest apologies for those who may witness this "look" at Walmart or Albertson's).  These dates needed to be planned out carefully..I had to rotate to the various coffee shops. I mean what would it look like if I was meeting at the same shop several times a day with several men.  I have a reputation to keep after all..pffttt...I did change it up with a dinner or walk around the park here and again.... a few internet dating highlights..please see the following exhibits:

Although I was a fan of mullets in the 80's and actually take pride in the mullet I sported my 10th grade year, which in my opinion looked really good feathered back with a can or two of Aquanet paired with the cheerleading outfit, I am not a big fan of them now.

I hope the picture does the talking.  This one was nuts.  After a couple of hours visiting first at a particular coffee shop and then to the park because he brought his two small children (yes this lunatic brought his children) which couldn't be contained for just a visit over coffee, he was convinced I was the woman he wanted to spend his life with.  After a couple of emails going back and forth and me trying to persuade him that he was young and needed to date a few people to really know and after he gave me his medical history regarding mental illness I was forced to remove him from potential suitors.

Very nice and very nice too look at.  Met him at the park for what was good conversation and we decided to grab a bite to eat.  There was a small..what I call a local restaurant that could and will probably haunt me for life.  After chit chat our meal came and we continued to chat and eat our meal.  At one point I looked up and he had this weird look on his face, I asked "Are you OK?"  He motioned to his throat that he was choking and I could tell he couldn't breathe.  I was frantically in my mind trying to figure out what to do thinking there is no way my arms will fit around his bodybuilding chest to do the Heimlich, but I figured I had to at least try. My "friends" would never let me live it down if a guy died while on a date with me.  As I tried to push him out of the booth so I could perform this method in which I have been trained, although I hope for your sake if this ever happens to you and you are with have other options.  As I tried to shove him out of the booth he took his soup bowl and vomited into it.  Yes that is right vomited into it.  Body Builder explained that he has a small throat and this tends to happen.  I was understanding and honestly felt horrible for the body builder.  I agreed later to date #2.  This was not a good choice.  On the second date he cried while telling an apparently touching story.  Goodbye Body Builder..I will be the crier in my relationship.

Saturday, March 26, 2011

I have important things to say...damnit!

So...this is me...the girl that wants it on the side...I like it...but I like it the way I like I want it on the side...

After much consideration I've decided I have some pretty important things to say.  Well at least I think so.  Some people might disagree, if you do please keep it to yourself.  This would be my kids mostly and apparently my significant other I call the dirt pusher...that is what he does...he pushes dirt.  I don't get it but apparently it is a very important job.  This morning waiting for volleyball games to start (the dirt pushers daughter's along with my own play this sport I believe to torment me with Saturday's full of nothing but sitting on bleachers and socializing) I happened to mention that I thought I would start a blog because I think I have important things to say and not only the dirt pusher but my step mom (I will call her Stella) and my OWN mother...they all raised their eyebrows and gave me a weird look.  I asked the dirt pusher if he would be following this blog.  He replied "well no, probably not, you know I never get on the computer".   Apparently dirt pushers don't care for high tech electronic devices as he is still using a cell phone that was manufactured in 1982.  Which is very unlike me because I have the crackberry in hand before my feet hit the floor.  It is actually a relief to me that the dirt pusher will not be following because that in itself opens many doors for me.  He is one of those people that is oblivious to the fact that he is hilarious.  Some things about myself...I will let the alphabet do the talking....

A.  annoying...yes i admit it...I'm annoying with the OCD...I come from a long line of clean give me a break..i actually think the condition should be renamed CDO..because it makes more sense to have the letters in order...
B.  best day...Friday ....I'm in love with Friday...I love you Friday!
C.  careful...I make decisions with a lot of thought and am very practical, I blame this on my parents recklessness
D.  divorced 220 lbs I ever lost...
E.  espresso...would be willing to be a study patient for a steady stream of the 'stuff'
F.  feet...well they are a small size of 5..but I wear a 7..I think it makes me look less freaky
G.  go to said individual who apparently thinks I don't have anything important to say
H.  happy place...Starbucks or really anywhere that serves a good Latte with interesting people to watch and study but not to have to necessarily talk to unless I feel like it
I.  introvert...will choose to stay home and read a book rather than attend a function that requires talking to other humans
J. jumping jacks...yeah I don't do them
K.  kicks...I take pride in what I think are very good high kicks...I think my destiny was to be a Rockette...but I fell into this Project Management gig and it pays the bills....
L.  legerity...the word of the day from Merriam-Websters...I subscribe to the word of the day...somehow I think this makes me smarter
M. microwave...this is the means I use to feed my offspring...I have proven that you can raise healthy kids without EVER using the oven...don't judge me...most people think it is because I don't have the ability to cook.  This is not correct, I am actually pretty decent, although I would appreciate that not getting around.  This is simply a life style choice...I have many reasons for making that choice..mostly out of laziness...
N.  Navy..yes it is shocking...but the US Military actually took me..although they were not very considerate of my long beauty routine every morning..picture Private Benjamin if you can...
O.  obsessive...can pretty much obsess over just about anything and can't relax until I fix whatever it is I'm obsessing about....this is why I don't have floor rugs in my house that have those cute little fringes...I can spend hours straightening them...See A..for annoying...
P.  Pet would be impossible to list just one...and I know you people have things to do...
Q.  do we even need the letter Q?  I really think we could get away with just using a K and have one less letter to worry about..Q is always paired with U..and I could easily see this as a simple could also be very helpful to some people with that spell based on simple phonics...
R.  Running...yeah I don't do it...well I did once...I ran across the street left me breathless and I think I may have started to perspire...
S.  Shimokawara Karate..I did manage to get a high yellow belt in karate..but after much argument with the sensai about why sparring is NOT kind...decided it wasn't for me...
T.  Theater...I am pretty sure I should be on kids love the dance/singing productions I put on while microwaving their dinner...raw talent...that's all I will say..
U.  underwear...yes I wear them and yes sometimes they are on inside out...depends on how long I managed to play 'Lets make a Deal' with the alarm if I could actually win and somehow turn back time.
V. Vitamin D...I really need more of this..
W.  water..I really don't like getting will probably not catch me at the pool and if I'm at the ocean...I'm just showing off a new bathing suit...but that is highly unlikely too.... 
X.  xanax...yes please
Y.  yellow...yeah not a big fan of it..unless it is sunshine
Z.  zzzz's...I love to sleep