Saturday, May 28, 2011

Bitches...Birthday Cake...and Behavioral Drugs....

I haven't blogged in a while.

I have been in a crappy get the point.  Nothing is funny when you feel like that and when I feel like that I'm not very babblish....

I think I'm getting over it.  A friend of I actually liked... died two weeks ago.  I know...I friend G just passed a way like 2 weeks before that...if you are my friend..I would seriously reconsider our friendship...just in case this is a trend...I will totally understand.  Anyway..I think I am getting my sense of humor back...and actually feel like babbling in between crying and feeling sorry for myself.  My mom is out of town "visiting" MRP as usual..the dirt pusher is pushing dirt...the kids are at their dad's and I have no one to babble to...don't get me wrong...this does NOT make me sad...I have spent the whole day with no one in my hair...bugging me and I have been doing what I want to do...when I want to do it...just like I like.

So yesterday was my friend Emma's birthday.  Me, Emma and Alyster loooove to celebrate birthdays at work its a good way to not actually work and spank each other without weird looks...not that that normally stops us.  Do you remember Emma from my earlier post Emma's a Perfect Bitch?  Well...nothing has changed...she is still a perfect bitch. 

I made her a cake...a yummy lemon with lemon frosting cake...with delicious sprinkles.  I am convinced that sprinkles make everything taste better.  I'm not even picky about my sprinkles.  I brought the cake into work and we all slobbered on ourselves waiting for an appropriate time to eat cake we think its only appropriate to wait till after 9am.  We are all a bunch a pigs....well besides Alyster..she is allergic to everything....besides meat *wink*. 

you can barely even see it....pfffttt....
Emma at some point... when I was not in the room took the lid off of the pan to admire my work of art and to smell the lemony goodness....she noticed a strange looking sprinkle....a sprinkle that may or may not have looked like a Zoloft.  When I came back into the room she politely asked me what I drugged the cake with....I was confused...until I she showed me what she had found on the cake.

Ok Ok my defense...this is what happened!....So I have had a rough couple shoot me...after I had finished making the cake and went for a short drive with the dirt pusher...I knew I needed to get some sleep so I may have had too much Mike's Hard Lemonade.  I don't normally takes very little for me to lose my fine motor skillzzzz...Before bed when I went to take the Zoloft don't judge me I accidentally spilled the pills everywhere....I thought that I had them all cleaned up...but one must have slipped onto the cake....

I actually think this might make my cakes popular.  Everyone loved it and I'm on my fifth piece...seeeeee HAPPY...and NICE!

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Don't Worry...It's Just His Wenis...

I need to write something down.  I'm feeling stifled in the analytical world I live in everyday from 8-5.

'Who's On First'

I've Thought about telling everyone about the Abbot/Costello/Dustin Hoffman look alike from the ball fields on Sunday that appeared to be doing 'Who is on First' to himself.  He was actually on the phone doing a running commentary on the game to another person on the phone... but you couldn't tell really because his hood was up...hiding his blue tooth.  He looked like Dustin Hoffman and sounded like him too.... 

Or I could write about how Oma has a new boy toy..*cough* I mean boyfriend.  She has been dating Mr. Retired Policeman for a couple months now...and I have yet to meet him. I feel like its only a given that I put him through an intense interrogation...including a lie detector test.  I'm sure he can take it...but I'm pretty sure she is embarrassed of me...and my sister too!  And my sister is the sweet one....MRP was coming over for dinner last night and I mentioned I should come over and eat cuz I like eating mostly and she said " are not Rosa Lynn"...I always knows she is serious when she breaks out the middle name.

I could also write about how Trudy sits at the kitchen table and talks to me did I  mention she talks a lot?  She also watches herself in the reflection of the patio door as she talks too.  She just talks...admires her reflection ...and practices making faces.  It is very hard to focus on someone that is busy looking at themselves as they talk...although I'm glad she likes herself.

I could write about how Stella had surgery knee replacement.  She was doing pretty well when I checked on her after work loooooppyyy....Apparently I had just missed my dad.  This man is...well prolly not the person you want at your bedside.  Don't get me wrong..he is adorable...
see...adorable...wrapped up in one furry package
But well...lets see he may have mentioned to her right before she went into surgery that my friend DNorm passed away...this was as they were wheeling her into the OR...the poor woman has been a wreck for weeks leading up to this surgery...this was not a good time to pass on this bit of info.  After the surgery the monitor for the IV kept buzzing and the nurse came in to fix it the first dad took this as a training session as he peered over the nurse's shoulder...the next time it went off he took it upon himself to push a few buttons and make the buzzing stop himself.  He is soooo helpful and cute.  This is a man that can't remember how to answer his cell phone when it rings and thinks shutting down a computer means unplugging it.  Prolly not the guy you want in charge of your IV's after major me crazy.  I think Stella was glad he left after he did his damage...and created hostile nursing staff.  She was extremely bothered by not being able to move her legs and said "I'm used to being able to bend them..move them around..and swing em around my neck."  I'm pretty sure the pain meds she is on are reeeaaallly good.

Maybe I could write about Arnold and his "Very Bad Behavior".

Or...I bet everyone would love to hear about the dirt pushers elbow injury.  This is an 'injury' that he got while playing volleyball with the girls.  I can not see anything wrong with his damn elbow.  He says if he holds it out straight and pushes on hurts reallllly bad...he is such a baby.  This has led to several wenis jokes. Definition of Wenis "How is your wenis"...."Your wenis looks like it hurts"..."Do you want me to rub your wenis"..."Your wenis looks swollen"....I am getting several hours of wenis pleasure...*wink*

Friday, May 13, 2011

Rosa's....It's OK...*smirk*

I had intentions of doing an 'It's OK' every Friday but that was too stifling so I will just do it when I want....  that’s how I would like things to be in real life…do what I want, how I want it and.....when I damn well want…
this is what i look like when i fake smile

  • To consider blogging in nothing but lists…I’m really good at lists and think they are easier to read…none of the bs words inbetween the points…

  • To consider starting another totally anonymous blog where I can say things…well…that I really want to say…Maybe I already have one…and you don’t know…*smirk*…

  • To prefer to work out in the running shoes purchased at Walmart vs. the Nike Shox…I haven’t bought shoes that expensive in years and I don’t want to get them dirty and they are sparkly…which makes them extra great…and the Walmart shoes are comfy...

  • To touch up my make-up and hair before working out…don’t judge me…It makes me feel skinnier…

  • To still have a few hurt feelings over the lack of Mother’s Day wishes from two kids I’m not the mother of….but love very much…

  • To have choreographed a full dance routine to Keri Hilson's 'Pretty Girl Rock' mom says I’m beautiful and if this face is enough for her…it’s enough for me….

  • To lie for my kids if it makes their life easier...yeah you heard me...I will lie for the little shits....and I won't feel bad either...

See...dont' you think I "list" well?........

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

I think they would love my knees...

I have this friend (Leesha)...she is heartwarmingly annoyingly optomistic.

The doer of all...she makes me feel inadequate...and honestly sometimes I would like to kick her in the shins...but she lives too far away...

She sets no boundries and has a million and three things going at once...she has a high stress top secret job...three at home businesses...leader of youth group at church..always has time to go to lunch with her friends...runs kids every direction and always has people in her home for her good cooking yes the bitch cooks too...I'm thankful she doesn't scrapbook every second of her life too or I would be forced to defriend her...and not just on Facebook.

Apparently she doesn't have enough to do...because she has now taken on the belief that she can make me famous with this unimportant bologna I like to dish about.  She told me a couple of weeks ago that I should see about possibly submitting writing to magazines or whatever ...I don't know exactly what she said... I wasn't really listening..because I was playing Farkle.  I told her that I would look into it...this is what I do to get her off my back...

I didn't even know she knew I had a blog and didn't know she was reading it.  She has yet to 'follow' me or 'like' my Facebook page....and I didn't want to bother her with it.

Today she says to me..."omygosh...guess what!"  She explained that she likes "The Voice".  I'm not sure what this is...I assumed it was a band or something...and she proceeds to explain to me it is a TV show...she should know I don't watch I wouldn't know what it is but whatever...After explaining about following so and so and so and so on Twitter she exlaims.."and Ce-Lo Green is now following me!" 

She is for sure that I needed to post my website on my Twitter page and unlock it...because..after all Ce-Lo will want to follow me too....yeah...uhh...huh...I bet he will just be waiting for each and every new post with unbearable anticipation.

When I was half listening to Lessha talk a couple weeks ago about submiting something to a magazine...I instantly writing with sleezy pictures.  Not my body of course...but it would be very easy to photoshop my head on a hot bod....or even better....just post pictures of body parts...a foot...or a knee...keep the guys going you know...?

Maybe I'm setting my expectations too high...but I think I have great knee's.

Hidden Fantasy

Something really really bad happened yesterday.

Okay maybe it wasn't really that know in the grand scheme of life....but it was pretty bad.

In the perfume isle at Walmart on my lunch break I was texting my friend and having a temper tantrum because they are no longer carrying my favorite perfume Britney Spears Hidden Fantasy...stop laughing...I like it... I am very picky about scents and frankly I don't know who at the corporate level at this discount chain would make such a horrible decision.  At this point I am seriously considering writing a formal complaint and I think if you are reading this should to.  I will attach the mailing address below.

As I was frantically trying to figure out what to buy in it's place...if anything at all.  I set my blackberry down on one of the shelves... completely forgetting my text convo with my friend and rummaging through every bottle to be sure it wasn't there.  I pondered all of the choices only by the packaging....this my friends is because apparently Walmart doesn't think people should be able to smell the perfume before they buy testers! testers?...absolutely ridiculous...  As I studied the packages..I thought about how smelling great is a sure fire way to get the dirt pusher to do whatever I want him to do...If I didn't pick the right perfume...I would have to resort to other ways of getting my way *wink*... and everyone knows how tired I am at the end of the this was a big decision.

After carefully picking the prettiest packaged perfume I made my way to the checkout.  I politely asked the saleslady...WTF with the perfume department! Paid for the damn perfume..left ...ran to get Lucy (the salamander) crickets...and Starbucks just happened to be I swung in.

As I was in the Starbucks line I reached in my bag to grab my phone because for some reason I think that my mind should be stimulated at all times....and I couldn't just wait my turn without being entertained for those two minutes. 

People...the damn phone was NOT in the bag.

*FREAKING right here*

At this point I am trying to calm myself down...and shoving my fist in my mouth to prevent me from yelling to the barista's to hurry the eff damn phone was gone...and I needed to find it. 

In my mind I'm thinking..."OK...walked into Walmart...picked up trail mix..texting KC...admiring the fine behind in front of me...tantrum in perfume isle.."  I'm having no recollection of having my phone during or after the perfume BS.

I leave Starbucks and know I don't have time to run back to Walmart because I need to pick Trudy up from school...*cussing about high maintenance kids*

Waiting for the slow ass teenager...everyone else is practically gone from the school including all of the school buses...but not my kid...I'm cussing under my breathe.....for all I know she texted me that JB (the bf) is giving her a ride...but I wouldn't know...cuz I DON'T HAVE MY PHONE!

I see her finally emerge from the school...and yes I got out of the car and yelled at her to "Hurry up!" return I got a snarly "I AM!"  Does this child not know I am having a full Stage 5 panic attack and feel as though I have lost a limb and could possibly stop breathing at any moment!

While waiting in the car for Trudy's slow ass...several things crossed my mind...but mostly I was trying to remember if there was naked pictures of myself on this miniature I dont' think so....but..let this be a lesson for all of us....never have naked pictures on your phone if you are gonna lose it.

The thought of this brings me to think that in the case that something happened to me...I need..."the person" know the person who gets all of the incriminating evidence off your phone, computer...disposes of other private "things" that you wouldn't want...say..your DAD to see!  OMG...I really need to get a plan in place...I don't want people to say..."oh yeah ...I knew her *shaking their heads* was so sad...she had naked pictures on her phone when she died...she used this sort of disgusting immature leverage on her dirt pusher to get what she wanted."

Trudy got her butt in the car and as I was frantically explaining yelling..."I need you to get your butt to the car faster..I need to get back to work...and today I  have managed to lose my damn phone..." as if this was all her fault.

She looked at me like I was pathetic...and said "Walmart called Oma...they have your phone at the front". 

This is were I fell in love with this child...once again. 

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Giant Angel Wings

The weather is perking up here in Podunk, USA.

I think spring may finally be here.  The changing of the seasons is always an exciting change.

Rowdy had his first baseball game of the season tonight.  They played well and had to end the game early, which I thought was great.  They had to call the game after the 4th inning due to the mercy rule.  I am always happy for a win but I was mostly glad they whipped butt fast because I was freezing my buuhind off on the ice cold bleachers.  I said it was warming up...that means no blowing snow in this neck of the woods...but still cold nonetheless.

I dropped him off an hour early for warm-ups.  This is always the perfect time for me to get my 2 mile walk in unless I can think of some great excuse not to do it, which I couldn't tonight.

As I walked the paved walkway tonight around the lake I thought about my friend G.  About a year ago as I was walking this same path, I was aware there was a man not too far behind me and didn't realize it was this gentle giant that I adored.  I had stopped to adjust my jacket around my waist, IPOD, phone, keys etc when he came up on me.  I turned around quickly when I felt someone behind me and startled a bit as I stared up at the giant... until I realized it was G.  I instantly laughed and said hello...and told him he shouldn't be sneaking up on jumpy ladies with kungfu skills like myself.  He smiled gently..reminded me that I can only kungfu in a perfect situation and after a short conversation he headed on while I was still readjusting all of the items I thought I needed to carry with me.  I could tell there was something different but I didn't know what it was.

A few days later I learned that he had cancer once again.  I'm sure that this was what was weighing on his mind that evening.  This would be his third battle with this disgusting disease.

I remember when I was new to what is now my day job.  I was new to the industry and had heard about G.  He was one of the 'big guys' in charge for one of our clients... a client that I managed.  I was scared out of my mind when I got a voice mail from him.  HE WANTED ME TO CALL HIM BACK!  I thought about how scary he would be and how I would pretend to know what I was talking about...and that he would figure out I was full of crap.  I returned his phone call anyway.  I'm glad I did. 

He soon became my friend.  He was one of the most gracious people I have ever met.  He was funny, smart, an amazing teacher and he had this way of taking care of hearts while taking care of business.  I think it is funny now that I was so intimidated by even taking a call from this gentle man that conducted himself with so much grace.  He even humored me by pretending that we could start a Motorcycle Club together...even though none of us have motorcycles.  We finally decided a Middle-Aged Moped Club would be more appropriate and he didn't even wince when I told him our leather jackets would be pink and be bedazzled and that I would be the President of the club.  He even liked me after I threw wine on him and his little miss one night while we were out.  Yes I threw the damned wine right out of the I was not drunk...and no it was not on purpose...I'm just able to humiliate myself in public in ways that others can not.  He quickly got up to get a wash rag to clean the blessed mess I had made...but he was still my friend....a friend that would never let me live it down..but a friend.

After fighting a good battle for the last year with a 'can do' attitude and offering comfort to the others around him rather than expecting them to comfort him, he was told by the doctors that it would be recommended that he be cared for by Hospice and that he would only have a couple months to live. 

I bought a card at Hallmark when his wife told me this news, I have also become very fond of G's little miss I might add.  I think I was there for an hour looking for just the right card and was still not happy with the choice I made but figured it was no big deal because I had all of the things I wanted to say in my head and would write them very neatly (without spelling errors) inside.  The card has sat on my desk for 3 weeks.  I started a couple of times to write in it....but was afraid I would leave something important out.  I felt like this was it.  If your gonna say it...this was the time to say it.

G passed away this week.  He was ready to meet the Lord and I am thankful for that.  I don't regret not sending the card.  There had been a few times on the phone that I could make him laugh...and told him how I wanted to be just like him when I grew up.  He would chuckle and say "Oh...I wish I was the man you think I am"  He was always so humble.

I think I will keep this card on my desk just the way it is.  It will serve as a reminder...a reminder of the type of person that I hope I can be someday.

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Helllllooo...Can you hear me?

The dirt pusher is really getting on my nerves.

He never listens to me.

I feel like I can safely confide in my 10 followers because he doesn't read the blog... You would think that he would want to know every little thought that comes out of my brain...and when I'm talking smack about him...

I think tuning me out could be a coping mechanism for him....  I remember when he used to hang on my every word and think I was soooo interesting.  Even when there was hockey on TV...and who likes hockey anyway?  Even my Uncle JB knows hockey is uninteresting and he watches every sport known to man.  I don't even think JB's TV has channels other than sports he would know.

The dirt pusher used to listen to me and stare at me in awe.. thinking how I was the most interesting, intelligent, funny, witty, amazing woman to walk the earth.

Now a days the conversation goes like this:

Me:  "Hey dollface I call him dollface when I want my way don't you think when we build the new house we should just do ceramic tile everywhere other than the bedrooms...we could do heated floors...and we could make the kids move around the house on all fours with pads on their knees and hands...then I would never have to do the floors myself..."  I say this as I am looking in the mirror sideways... holding my shirt up... sucking in my gut...trying to convince myself that the WW123 plan is working and pretending I didn't eat a whole pudding filled maple donut that morning.

Him: "Damnit!" he says this without even a glance my direction...the Avalanche is playing and not playing if I care...

Me: "Do you think it looks like this WW123 plan is working..I'm starving!"  Still sucking it in...

Him: "Oh... did I tell you the Yukon needs a new fuel pump?" The Yukon is a constant source of a huge pain in my ass.  We got this stupid gas guzzling machine to transport our family of 6 which is rarely going in the same direction anyway.  After a transmission, new tires, parts in the steering column, new tie rods and other parts I don't even know the name of....I'm ready to blow the damn bus to I completely ignore any sort of convo regarding the piece of shit.  Oh...yeah and did I mention that a drunk driving motorcyclist hit it while sitting on the street?  It is jinxed and I want it out of my life.  I tell the dirt pusher to get rid of it...but he just knows he can fix everything that needs fixing himself...yeah..whatever...just don't talk to me about it...after all I refuse to drive the oversized POS anyway.

Me:  "What should I wear with these new earings I bought today?"  Very cute earings I might add...that I bought while shopping for a gift for someone else...but it was buy one get one half it only made sense to buy something for myself too...

Him: *snickering* " I put the new mower together today...good thing I didn't wear my good shoes...or I could have scuffed them." He thinks he is clever using the same sarcasm I use on him...and he says this as he chuckles and takes his ball cap off and wipes his bald ol' head with the same hand.  I'm thinking he is cute here...but I would never let on.

Me:  "Oh good....I know how you hate that I can start the old mower and you can't." *smirk*

Him: "Your boobs look good."

I'm pretty sure this means that he likes the idea of the ceramic tile throughout and thinks I should shop more...