Thursday, November 21, 2013

Shit I'm Not Thankful For

Disclaimer:  There will be a lot of cussing in this post, because the New Years Resolution I made not to cuss didn't take.  Also, I would like to point out I am an extremely gracious person regardless of what a shitty asshole I may sound like in this post.  And I do sound like a shitty asshole.  I read it.  I think I might have some things to work out. 

1.  Car repairs.  I don't know why a gal can't just pick out a car that is suitable for her needs and drive that sucker I wanted to say fucker forever...No Hassle or need to call my brother-in-law.  He is sick of my shit.  No new tires, CV Joints I don't even know what that is, brakes, whatever.  Nothing...just drive and drive and drive till you die.  Period.

2.  Thanksgiving posts everyday on Facebook in November about how grateful everyone is.  Nobody cares.  You better be damn thankful for your kids, parents,  job, life, air, food, whathaveyou all year long.  YOU ARE BLESSED EVERYDAY.  But if you are going to do them, be creative at least. 

3.  Marketers.  People who reach me through social media, random text or phone call to 'get together'.  I get all excited that someone actually wants to be my friend this is rare and then I quickly realize after I have paid for lunch, that they really just want to sell me something.  If I want to buy something, I will get in touch with YOU.  This has actually happened to me numerous times, I'm a slow learner and apparently desperate for friends.  Also, 'friends' that don't talk to me unless they are inviting me to some sort of selling party.  I don't want your fucking coffee or jewelry.  What part of single, working two jobs, trying to feed a teenage boy do these people not understand.  I'm broke.  Piss poor broke.  I have even contemplated re-using coffee grounds.  So I am not buying your overpriced beans. I bet I'm losing friends by the second here.  When I say I am not interested, that won't change in a couple days.

4.  Fun size candy bars.  Fuck you fun size candy bars.  You are nothing but a tease.  What is fun, is eating the whole damn bag.  Until you are done...

5.  Fakeness.  Okay, so I have been loving the shit out of these random facts about people on Facebook. I know,  I'm nosy.  People are interesting, I love em and I have learned some interesting things about my friends.   First of all, most of them are actually much more creative than I had thought.  But there always has to be that one person that fucks it up with "1.  I like rainbows.  2.  I like Christmas."  I said that in a fake voice in case you couldn't hear it through the text of this. We the people of Facebook want the dirt.  Period. Give us something good.  You cheated on your third grade boyfriend with a 5th grader slut, you have furry patches of hair that grows on the top of your toes and you wax it.  Maybe you only sweat out of one arm pit, maybe that's me.  We, your friends, need the good stuff.  I would appreciate all skeletons out of the closet.  I would give you mine but they have all escaped because I have a big mouth.
6.  The asshole that lives down the street and drives a silver VW Beetle.  Every time I see it coming down the street I think it is my kid.  I miss my kid.
7. Extreme right and left wing political people and all their bullshit.  Stop it.  Obama is not a terrorist nor is he the second coming of Jesus.
8.  Bullies.  I think this one was on my list last year too.  Whatever, I still am not thankful for them.  These assholes are everywhere.  I get a real charge out of the Anti-Bullying programs in the schools, led by bullies.  It's cute.  And by cute I mean NOT cute.
9.  Cellphones.  I'm guilty of browsing while I should be listening sometimes my kids are VERY boring, I'm working on it.  But if you are walking around in public places yappin' your jaws or checking out at a store while on your phone, you are a narcissistic asshole of an asshole.  Yesterday I witnessed a lady special ordering something meanwhile her cell phone rang and rather than sending the call to voicemail, she just chatted away.  The poor salesclerk was trying to get information and the lady was talking on her phone, the sales lady didn't know what she was doing because she was new.  It was ridiculous and shameful, not to mention extremely frazzling to watch and keep my mouth shut.  Don't you want to be in the moment?  Build relationships with everyone you talk to?  Enjoy your surroundings? 
10.  Awkward Dads.  OK this is a silent issue no one talks about.  When you are a single mom, none of the married dads will talk to you or look you in the eye.  They pretty much like to pretend you don't exist.  I've actually had men literally turn and walk away from me after I tried to send a friendly greeting, not even showing any decency what so ever as a human being.   Well, here is the problem.  When your kid is friends with my kid, you are going to have to talk to me at some point.  Get used to it.  There isn't a dad in this situation to chat it up with and if there are arrangements to be made, I'm your gal.  Don't worry I'm not going to try to hump your leg or make you do nasty things with me.  I don't want you and neither does your wife more than likely.  So consider yourself safe with me.  I'm actually pretty fun to get to know, give me a chance.

Clearly I'm a jerk.  I will start on my Thankful post right now.  Hopefully lots of graciousness will cancel all of this out.  Amen.


  1. Your the best! Wanna go to lunch at 311?


  3. Who's offering to take my to 311? Announce yourself.

    1. It was me! If I could figure out how to put my name up there I would have. :) Love Kristal 311? My hubby thinks its too hoity toity, which means " I'm still hungry when I leave because I like meat and potatos".

    2. That's funny. We should do something sometime. I can promise you I won't try to sell you anything.

  4. How about some Humphrey's for dinner?