Sunday, March 27, 2011

Never say Never.....

I divorced from the guy whom I spend 10 years of my life with about 6 years ago, I woke up to a note on the counter.. (yes people you heard that right..a note) saying I don't want to be married to you anymore blah blah blah...anyway not that it was really a big shocker.  After the previous five years of what my BIFF (Alyster) calls a bad case of the 'wandering wee wee'.  I'm not sure if that is technically a medical condition but if not I do believe it should be studied, but all that isn't really what this post is about.

I would like to introduce you to internet dating.  For those of you blissfully married...consider your self blessed by the grace of God.  I used to giggle and laugh and make fun of this dating operation.  I mean really... who goes on dates with people based on a profile written by that very person?  Seriously..who is going to write a profile that would reflect negatively about themselves.  I think it makes much more sense for these profiles to be composed of writings by ex-girlfriends, previous or present wives, maybe even neighbors (neighbors know a lot) or even a judge that..say... might happen to know this person well.   I never thought that I would ever even consider this non-sense.  But one thing I have learned the hard way is Never say NEVER! get the point.  I signed up after being single for sometime after breaking up neighbor.

                                            "the neighbor"

I didn't just sign up.  I went after it with gusto!  I've always been very practical and I thought well if I'm going to pay $39.95 for three months of this service I'm damn well gonna get my money's worth.  I do not take finances lightly and pride myself on financial security and knowing to the penny how much money I have in the bank at all times (something I obsess about, one of the many).  So I posted a half-ass profile biography.  Apparently you can 'wink' at people on these sites..I know I don't get it either, this makes me laugh hysterically.  It is like poking someone on Facebook, here is a note to my 2 followers...if you want to say "hi" just say it, I've never been a fan of poking.  So of course there were 'winks' after posting my bio (I call it bio because I think that makes me sound legit).  I did not 'wink' back at the folks 'winking' at me, I would send them actual real life messages back, I mean after all I didn't sign up to 'wink' at people.  Pretty soon this site became almost a part time job, trying to memorize who was who.  I was exhausted and meeting for coffee several times a weekend except on Sundays, I reserve this day for crawling out of bed at like 11:00am and brushing my teeth at most (my deepest apologies for those who may witness this "look" at Walmart or Albertson's).  These dates needed to be planned out carefully..I had to rotate to the various coffee shops. I mean what would it look like if I was meeting at the same shop several times a day with several men.  I have a reputation to keep after all..pffttt...I did change it up with a dinner or walk around the park here and again.... a few internet dating highlights..please see the following exhibits:

Although I was a fan of mullets in the 80's and actually take pride in the mullet I sported my 10th grade year, which in my opinion looked really good feathered back with a can or two of Aquanet paired with the cheerleading outfit, I am not a big fan of them now.

I hope the picture does the talking.  This one was nuts.  After a couple of hours visiting first at a particular coffee shop and then to the park because he brought his two small children (yes this lunatic brought his children) which couldn't be contained for just a visit over coffee, he was convinced I was the woman he wanted to spend his life with.  After a couple of emails going back and forth and me trying to persuade him that he was young and needed to date a few people to really know and after he gave me his medical history regarding mental illness I was forced to remove him from potential suitors.

Very nice and very nice too look at.  Met him at the park for what was good conversation and we decided to grab a bite to eat.  There was a small..what I call a local restaurant that could and will probably haunt me for life.  After chit chat our meal came and we continued to chat and eat our meal.  At one point I looked up and he had this weird look on his face, I asked "Are you OK?"  He motioned to his throat that he was choking and I could tell he couldn't breathe.  I was frantically in my mind trying to figure out what to do thinking there is no way my arms will fit around his bodybuilding chest to do the Heimlich, but I figured I had to at least try. My "friends" would never let me live it down if a guy died while on a date with me.  As I tried to push him out of the booth so I could perform this method in which I have been trained, although I hope for your sake if this ever happens to you and you are with have other options.  As I tried to shove him out of the booth he took his soup bowl and vomited into it.  Yes that is right vomited into it.  Body Builder explained that he has a small throat and this tends to happen.  I was understanding and honestly felt horrible for the body builder.  I agreed later to date #2.  This was not a good choice.  On the second date he cried while telling an apparently touching story.  Goodbye Body Builder..I will be the crier in my relationship.


  1. Holy Christ. This had me dying laughing (no, I do not need the heimlich).

    Throwing up - SUper! I suppose forgivable, if not for the later crying episode. Normal men, where are you?

    I used to hang over my secretary's shoulder and do a pretty fun running commentary of her options in the online dating world. I appreciated the ones who put a photo in of themselves in a recliner with a beer. Why false advertise, right? I also liked the ones who had obviously cropped their ex out of the photo.

    My secretary dated even worse options that yours, I think. She wasn't as cute as you. I found one guy I thought had real potential, as he wrote a HILARIOUS profile description. Of course, she wasn't interested in him, since he didn't have a mullet or talk about guns.

    Her loss, i say.

  2. oh yeah i have always been a fan of the ex cropped out pics...very classy...i have many more 'exhibits' but i had already downed i mean sipped a bottle of wine and needed to get to bed....

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