Tuesday, January 8, 2013

I AM not Naked. I Have Glitter on.

Do you remember my friend Emma?  She is the microbiologist seriously what is that, what a show-off, published I would like to add.  I take a lot of pride in being super great friends with a published scientist.  It is sort of my claim to fame.  Pathetic, but true.  I really need to work on having my own super duper accomplishments.  She is probably going to kill me for posting this, and she has the knowledge and tools to make bodies disappear, soooooo if you don't hear from me tomorrow, you know where to start.

She was nervous when I started blogging, because she knows sometimes my 'filter' doesn't always work well.  And I have done really well at not talking much about her tooting my own horn, because it is important for me to respect her privacy.  And I would like a little credit for that.  It takes a lot of will power to keep my mouth shut.  Especially since she is so incredibly sarcastic, witty and funny and also has a way of being subtle at the same time.  A true talent.  I have never been able to master 'subtle'.

She taught me something very important this week.  She taught me that you are technically NOT naked, if you have glitter on.  Who knew? 

So while I am busy practicing my flute playing this year,  I will be wearing nothing but glitter. 

(See New Year's post about practicing the flute or recorder or whatever it is.)
2013. Bring It Buttercup

Sounds mystical yeah?


Monday, January 7, 2013

This Is What I Would Like To Say Today

Dear Coach,

There is a boy trying out for basketball today.  You might notice he is small and skinny for his age and runs a little slow.  You might also notice he is pretty darn handsome. 

I know you recognize him from class.  He is the smartest kid you have ever taught.  He may even be the smartest kid you will ever teach.   But even though he is brilliant, he is humble.  He is kind and gentle.  He is incredibly funny.  He is respectful to everyone around him unless he is playing Call of Duty, that doesn't count.  He is a good friend and a respected classmate.  He is the protector of his sister and the man of our house.  He has commendable work ethic and takes pride in doing his best.  All of the time. 

He works hard and strives to be a good athlete, and although he can be a bit slow and his large motor skills have always lagged behind his peers, he will work his butt off for you.  He will listen to you and be grateful for every bit of feedback you give him.  He will be proud when you have told him 'Good Job' and work to improve anything you say needs improving.  He will be grateful for every minute he is put out on the floor to play.  He will represent your school and team in a fashion that you will be proud of. 

There is nothing more than he has ever wanted more than to be part of the team.  A person of his character deserves to be on the team.  I hope that you understand that today, you could change a boy's life. 

His Momma

Sunday, January 6, 2013

In the nature of being helpful to the general public, I tend to be a bit of a philanthropist at heart, I have also been working up a few New Year's Resolutions for the rest of you.  You ARE welcome.  Here are a few things I would like you to do this year.

Ladies, stop talking about 'Fifty Shades of Gray'.  It makes you look desperate for a decent sex life and after the initial sock of the idea of being a submissive it is boring.  Same thing over and over and ooooover.  Handcuffs, tied up, beating, handcuffs, tied up beating...you get the idea.  You do not need a man controlling you.  If you want to read a good book I would recommend "Shitty Mom" or "Let's Pretend This Never Happened".  Two of my favorite subjects.

Smile at everyone you talk to.

Not everything needs to be politically charged or marching for the feminism movement.  Chill.


Gals, stop wearing leggings as pants. No one wants to see your arrsss in leggings.  I don't care if you are a size 2 or a size 24, they are not pants.  It is awkward for everyone.  Cover it up.

Everyone, please I have cried enough tears about it.  Do NOT ask me where Trudy is going to college until I am loading the car and driving her to the location of choice next August.  I will answer "RazorCity Community College" even though that is lie I lie a lot.  She is not going to the local community college, she needs to leave and spread her wings.  But that doesn't mean I have to like it and I don't want to talk about it and it sucks and if you ask, I reserve the right to sob out of control on the spot.  And you will have only yourself to blame.

Don't make me go all ugly cry on you.
Stop acting like a bi-polar manic depressant on social sites.  No one can keep up with whether you are happy or sad.  Good Lord.

Stand up to Bullies
Don't be a bully and stand up to bullies.

We all know you probably have a great exercise regimen planned for the new year, but we don't care, so stop talking about it.  

Be Gracious and Grateful.

Tuesday, January 1, 2013

2013. Bring It Buttercup.

2013 is HERE!  Thank you dear lord Jesus!  2012 sucked balls.  I am glad it is over.  Good riddance.  Good bye.  Hasta la Vista.  Aufedersein.  You get the point.  2012 can kiss my ass grits.  I will warn you now, this is going to be the longest blog post in world history.  I have big plans this year.  BIG PLANS.

Disclosure: The following events will not start until February, there is too much pressure with everyone watching in January.

I am going to start by saying I will neither get married or get divorced this year.  And I definitely won't be doing both.  This might not sound like a difficult thing to most of you, but for some of us, this seems to be an issue.

I am going to stop having imaginary conversations in the shower.  Especially imaginary arguments.

I am going to start following the traffic laws and stop acting like everyone else on the road is an idiot except me, when I know damn well I am the problem. 

I will stop watching Sister Wives. But if I do by accident, I will not cry.  Unless a dog dies, then it would be OK.

I will become more environmentally friendly.  I will stop using Styrofoam cups from the Loaf and Jug, even though a drink in a Styrofoam cup is pretty awesome.  I'm taking one for the team here.

I will not lose weight.  I hope this one will be like reverse psychology since I will probably only do half of the things I am promising in this post.

I will stop hitting snooze on the alarm clock a million times on work mornings.  I hope this will prevent the issue I seem to have with getting my underwear on right side out when I am in a rush. 

I will continue to try to convince my boss that I should work from home.  I think I could be VERY productive in my pajamas and with bedhead and I would like the opportunity to prove it.

I am not going to try to convince my kids to zombify every costume idea they have at Halloween.  Even though everyone knows a zombie Honey Boo Boo or zombie Superman would be pretty damn cool.  Whatev.

I am going to stop cussing.  I really am going to do this.  Really.
This is the look I need to stop giving the boy when he speaks French.
I will try to be smarter and understand the things Rowdy talks to me about, rather than just looking at him with a blank face and pretending to understand what the hell he is talking about.

I am going to play the flute more.  Just kidding, I have no idea how to play the flute.  I could play the recorder though.  That is a kick ass instrument.  I can say ass, it isn't February yet.

I am going to stop spending endless hours scrolling mindlessly through Pinterest.  It is stupid.  I just sit there.  For hours.  Practically drooling on myself because my brain is so shut down.  I have got to stop.  Maybe set a time limit. I don't know.

I am going to stop using ..... as a replacement for a comma.  And I am going to start using capitalization sometimes.  I also might start proofreading my blog posts before I publish them, maybe.  Honestly, I hate to commit to that.

I am going to stop fantasizing about Sam Champion and focus my attention on Josh Elliot in the morning while watching GMA.  Since Sam got married last week, I have had to come to terms with the fact that Sam is gay and now married.  Jerk.

I will stop over using the word 'Wenis'.  And I will not make wenis jokes.   Don't confuse wenis with penis.  I will still be making penis jokes.  I would like to state for the record penis is not a cuss word. 

I am going to decide what breed of dog I will get.  If I decide to get a dog that is.  Maybe I should decide if I am going to even get a dog first. 

This actually started out as a self portrait.
I will pay more attention to the topic at hand when I am in a meeting as long as it doesn't last more than 5 minutes.   I will no longer be doodling pictures like the one above.  While in meetings, I will take legitimate notes.  I will not continue to take a strange word that has been used by someone else and write various sentences using the strange word monkey wrench.  I will also not write the name of the President of the company in my notes with hearts by his name.  That is not appropriate.  Also, I will no longer imagine myself using my co-workers hair to make a mustache on my upper lip, in a meeting.

I will no longer have a Tupperware cupboard that looks like a hurricane rolled through it.  I will keep it tidy and organized.  That is a lie.

I will stop using enie menie minie moe as a tool to make big life decisions.

But mostly, I am going to be sarcastic.  That I know I can do.