Thursday, March 31, 2011

Trophy Shot

This has been one of the worst weeks of my life.

I'm anxiety ridden.

I have been taking this Hunter Safety course...and I'm miserable.

I found out last night that during the field test I will have to demonstrate safe gun handling while crossing a fence.  This is causing me a lot of distress.  I don't cross fences.  I don't climb them..I don't hop over them...I don't straddle them...I don't climb between rails..and I definitely do not squeeze between barbed wire.  I tried squeezing between barbed wire once..and it didn't end well.  I tore my very favorite bright yellow satin pants in the 3rd grade.  I haven't done it again since.  I LOVED those pants!  So..instantly when the instructor mentioned this portion of the test I had a mild panic attack.  I was breathing heavy and sweating.  I think the heavy breathing and sweating caught the attention of the creep seated behind me.

Don't get me wrong.  I have a deep appreciation for these sportsmen and look up to a person with good hunting practices and ethics.  Pretty much every man in my life growing up was a dad even used to take me occasionally and "let" me carry the heavy ass backpack.  I just don't want to be a hunter. 

I'm taking this class because following in family tradition Rowdy needs to take this class and what kind of mom would I be if I didn't know exactly what my son was being taught.  I'll tell you what I would be...a mom at home in her jammies NOT cooking dinner like I want to be.

I did learn a couple things last night in class.  First of all.. Game Wardens are kinda cute and second of all I learned that if approached by a Mountain Lion (not that I could identify one quickly) to gather your group together and look "Big".  Apparently running is not a good idea.  While the class was getting all of the 'What to Do's' and the 'What Not to Do's'....I was picturing myself in this situation and found myself writing down notes as to why I don't like to wear orange.

Wearing orange for most hunting is the LAW.  The cute Game Warden said wearing orange socks isn't sufficient.  I understand the clothing requirements but asked if it was okay to wear just the orange socks if a person is wearing shorts and they were orange KNEE socks pulled up really high.  He said "No" and didn't look amused.

The Warden talked about a lot of things.  He mentioned maps.  Yeah..that was interesting. *smirk*

He talked about directions as in North, South, East, West.  He yammered on about South of this...North of that...blah blah blah.  I don't know my ass from my elbow when it comes to directions.  The Dirt Pusher pulls this direction shit on me occasionally.  "OK babe..when you come off the exit...go north...then the road will slight to the East...keep on going and when you get to the third light turn West."   I usually end up at a great shopping district..followed by the not so directionally challenged Dirt Pusher calling me wondering where I am.  Shopping is sort of like hunting..right?

One of the other exciting topics of the night was measurement.  The Warden kept speaking in "yards".  "If you are shooting and the animal is within a couple hundred yards of a fence line that crosses to private land...something something something."  On a good day I can determine the centimeter marks from the inch marks on a ruler.  I have no idea what a yard is. *I'm sneering here*

While I should have been paying attention, I also made a long list of reasons why I would rather just stick to target shooting.

The main reason is... when you are at the shooting range, you do not have to worry about bears.  The instructors keep stressing the importance of bear spray and frankly...they are making me a nervous wreck.  I really don't think if I see a bear I'm gonna be able to take the time to get out my 'species manual' to determine whether or not I'm being approached by a Grizzly Bear or a Black Bear.  The desired reaction is different depending on the bear..who knew?

With target shooting...the target doesn't move and you can target shoot close to home.  Both of these things make things simpler and I like to keep it simple.

You don't have to get up at the crack of dawn to target shoot.  I find waking up before 11am unnatural and will only do it for special for work or if I smell a really good breakfast cooking or for good shopping.

You don't have to wear orange for target shooting.  This is not a good color on anyone. 

I can't even think of what jewelry would go with an orange hoodie and I'm pretty sure my hair is going to get stuck in the barbed wire.

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