Saturday, April 16, 2011

Hide and Seek Boutique

When my mother isn't telling me how much I babble and have unimportant things to say she is usually telling me how amazing and beautiful I am...which has caused a distorted view of myself.  In my minds eye I am a slim 5'7" with a genius mind.  Which for the most part works for me..because really with my abnormally big hair and high shoes...that is pretty accurate...OK the 5'7" part anyway...whatever...

The only time this causes a problem is when I am shopping....I am usually quickly reminded that I am really 5'3" and a size...mumble...which 5'3" is actually very tall in my family of midgets.  I am the big midget.

I spent some time yesterday trying to find a few things for an upcoming trip to the west coast to see my fabulous Aunt Happy...(that's a shout out to you Happy)...I NEED new things to go on trips....because...well it pretty much gives me a reason to shop...and I just like new anything pretty much.

Shopping in Po-Dunk Town, Nowhere is not easy but I can usually take on the challenge.  I started out at a trendy women's clothing chain..and this is what I learned...

  • I need more than one inch of material from crotch to waistband...this is not a good look on me...I need some material to cover my shit and I don't think the world wants to see the cesarean marks from two annoying beautiful children.
  • I apparently am not 5'7" and a size 5. 
  • Just because the jewelry is buy one get one free doesn't mean you need any
  • If you need shirts and shorts...don't buy handbags...this is a reoccurring lesson but I'm a slow learner.
  • Someone needs to explain to the clothing chain that not all girls are a size 2 and not all a size 24.  There are actually a few of us that are average..shut up..I'm average...If they could stock cute things between those two sizes it would be helpful *I'm using my nice voice here*.
Lessons Learned from Store #2...a some what fashionable women's clothing store with great prices....

  • I don't like my waist band right under my boobs.  Call me picky..but there has to be some middle ground say...maybe right below the belly button...this is wear pants should sit...HELLOOOO to you clothing makers....DO YOU HEAR ME?  Also some of us have thighs..strong thighs...we would like pants that fit them...
  • Dont' follow the fat lady wearing the adorable *smirk* red, paint stained sweatpants shopping in the Jr.'s section....she farts really loudly...very startling...I'm not kidding about this either...she farted on the move and didn't miss a beat as she blew up her pants....

  • Something important to remember is that even when someone is put together on the outside...don't let your guard down...because they smile...and cause you to have a strange look on your face...and that is rude.

The next stop was good Ol' Walmart....the lessons to be learned in Walmart are name a few....

  • Some people shouldn't breed...this never ceases to surprise me.
  • A leopard print shirt and purple and pink pajama pants are a 'Don't'.
  • Three days before a trip to the coast is not a good time to discover that your legs look like pale raw sausages....*I'm wincing*  I should have tanned them or something..these suckers haven't seen sun all winter.  I spent the morning rummaging through all the cupboards and drawers looking for some sort of self tanner.  I did a victory dance when I found some spray air brush...I waltzed into the bathroom naked only to discover there was only a spit left...regardless of how hard I shook the can...discouraged and still naked I found some lotion that advertises "glow while you moisturize" I slathered a bunch of that on...*crossing fingers*...I don't want to damage anyone's retina's...Trudy and I love to say the word retina...we think it sounds dirty.."I like your retina"..."Your retina looks good today"....we say this with creepy sultry eyes and a deep voice.
Do you think I put too much bronzer on?
  • Apparently I look dangerous with more than 5 items in the dressing room at a time.  Another way Walmart helps you save money.


  1. I like to thing of myself as being 5'7" and a size 5 too but it's just not true. It's too bad that the svelt person in my mind isn't the one trying on clothes; makes shopping tough.

    I hope that you and your new wardrobe have a great trip :)

  2. thanks Kat will be a lovely trip! I'm so excited!

  3. Excussssse me!!!! I am not one of the midgets in this family!!!

  4. Excusssse me!!!! Family of midgets????? I am not a midget!!!!

  5. CALM DOWN! Take a zanax...I meant the other bitches....