Saturday, April 30, 2011

I knew this guy....


I've seen these commercials on TV with the crazy girl stalking 'Brad'. (Please see the videos attached in orange.)  This makes me think of the things I have heard girls me talking about after a break-up or while dating a guy ....and some things that I just really do not think are smart things to do.  By the way I feel like I should mention that my mother thinks this blog is "b.s" and that I have yet to talk about things that are important.  So I am posting this to help the community and to educate others *sneering*...whatever.  Anyway...lets face it...break-ups stink...and sometimes even sane people whos' sane? can do some eerie stuff...break-ups can bring out the not so fabulous side in people.

There are a few things that come to mind that I will never to do again..I would never do. 

For instance wearing a big curly black wig with huge Hollywood glasses pretending to smoke and driving slowly by a potential lovers house is a no-no.  Especially if this person lives in a culd-a-sac, this is very awkward..just driving in circles ya usually draws the attention of the neighbors...especially if the neighbors are cops *sneer*.
Hiding in bushes across the street from ex's residence with binoculars...yeah not a good idea either and some bushes are very friend Alyster still has scabs and it was months ago.

Insistent tweeting, twitting, texting..yeah although tempting... don't do it.  You will for sure get carpal tunnel and surgery is expensive (this is the financial savvy me coming out here).

                                       hard to resist...

Facebook: Now this is were things can really go awry... I've seen crazy stuff on this site.  I am not a fan of creating fake Facebook profiles for stalking purposes..okay I may have tried it once...but it really does scream crazy..and don't post swanky pictures of yourself...frankly it makes you look like a two bit whore...and very embarrassing when your grandparents scroll over it.  And paallleeezzeee *southern accent* for the grace of God...don't post 10 times a day telling us about your bleeding heart or about how you are glad he is gone or about not having regrets.  *Sticking my finger down my throat* 

What I'm saying here is....Love yourself.

Friday, April 29, 2011

It's OOOKKKK to let your crazy out....occasionally

This is my spin off of "Hey..It's OK" that comes monthly in my Glamour magazine.  This is the first page I turn to when I get it.  I have my own list of It's OK's.  Here are a few that crossed my mind today...
To despise any and all coverage on the royal wedding.  No one me cares.

To eat french fries, Hershey kisses and diet soda for supper while watching Sex in the City reruns...the diet drink cancels out the others...simple math people....

To let laundry from vacation multiply in the laundry simply walk by...look...and close the door.

To not even make it to your room when you get home from work before you start peeling off your clothes and searching for your pajamas while on the phone with your mom.

To hold your boobs up where they should be when looking in the mirror naked...and calculate the cost of a lift.

To wish that the boy you take to school in the morning would not talk...some people me and Trudy don't like chatter in the morning....

To wear what makes you feel good...even if it is the source of jokes by the people that call themselves your FRIENDS!  (yeah betches...I'm talking to you)

Thursday, April 28, 2011

Handbag Whore

this is what crazy frantic looks like in my head...
Airbus delays cause a lot of distress to some people. I'm saying airbus now because I'm tired of talking about airplanes and airports.

They get frantic…cut in front of lines that other people have stood in for an hour or more to rebook and try to find the best possible solution to get wherever they think is so damned important. Their hair stands on end and they lose their minds…it’s cute actually.  I don't really get rattled with stuff like this..I just go with the flow.  I personally would like to send a shout out to the makers of Zoloft for this...  If you are not already on it....get some...seriously...this shit makes you nicer.

We were stuck in Minneapolis for the luggage...just the shit we had on our backs.  We were hobo's and we looked like bums.  The coins Rowdy was hauling around were no help what so ever I might add.  I hadn't planned for this or I would have packed 3 small ounces of hairspray in my purse...because...well...this doesn't happen to me.

Therapeutic outlets like shopping I find work effectively along side prescription medication in situations like this…yesterday it was the Mall of America. What better place to be in need of a fix?

I’m not ashamed that I searched out a Coach store to fulfill my internal needs….I needed comfort and not the kind that the TSA officials were giving me *smirk* although I did enjoy that a little and not the kind of condescending comfort the Delta officials freely pass out. I NEEDED a bag.  

I explained to Trudy, Rowdy and Oma that we were not there to shop..I'm sneaky like this…but to experience the aura *i said aura in a mystical voice in case you didn't hear it in the typing* of such a fantastic place…better than Disney if you ask me.  As these words were flowing from my lips..I was scanning the mall map. I didn’t want to waste time looking at the things they all like…pfffttt.. We only had a short time before we needed to catch a shuttle to the airport and I didn’t want to pretend to be interested in the overpriced shit they have in Abercrombie & Fitch or pretend that I think Lego’s are cool.  I needed to get the damn bag and get out. and pretend like this trip was for all of us

I pretended to walk around and enjoy the atmosphere like I had told them to do....although it was really hard not to sprint to the Coach store...I needed a fix..and I needed it quick.  We just so happened to "run" into the store I was looking for and I acted very surprised.  I am good at this.  Not one of those pretty, smiley, nice salesladies in the store even commented on my greasy unwashed hair…the wrinkly clothes that I had wore all day the day before..slept in that night.. and was wearing again... hell at that point I figured I may as well wear them all week. 

I'm sort of feeling bad now though looking back....rather than shoving the lady trying to cut in the re-booking line...and telling her to get to the back of the effin line....I should have just told her politely to go to the mall...maybe the meds weren't working as well as they normally do.

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

The Boy Has Coins...And He Isn't Afraid To Use Them...

At the airport...again...

Vacation was great.

Can we have another?

I'm not finding anything very humorous today.  On the way back to the airport I found that I need to cut my vacation a day short to finish a project for work that I was reassured didn't need to be done until I got back to work..."oh nooo rush...blah blah.."  Holiday over..."We are in a rush"...typical.  Oh well...I miss the betches anyway. 

And guess what....back to rain/snow.  Isn't that nice?  I really think I could escape and hide in Disney Land.  I looked for places to hide while I was there.  I think it could be done and am shocked no one has tried.  Who wouldn't want to live in the Magic Kingdom?

Trudy is a real dream today too.  Between her beautiful personality and mine today...I sort of feel bad for Rowdy and Oma.

Poor Oma is doing the low to high pitched "huhhhh" ...over and over because she can't hear what me and Trudy are mumbling about.

The TSA dudes had a hay day with little Rowdy.  He is an numismatist...that means coin collector..I know I didn't know either...But I'm gonna use the word over and over now.  I bet it will make me sound really smart.  He INSISTED that he bring along coins to show Uncle JB.  Uncle JB collects they looooveee to coin talk.  Needless to say...the lady scanning bags...didn't know what to they strip searched the not really...but almost.  He does look sort of dangerous if you take off your glasses, squint...and cock your head to the right...but mostly he is just annoyingly intelligent.

Sunday, April 24, 2011

Lots of fun to be had in California.

Aunt Happy and Uncle JB are great tour guides.....


She thinks she is bringing this guy home...
Newport Beach.


Shopping Malls and Shopping Strips.

Farmer's Market in favorite...

The Tide Pools.

and today....The Norwegians are in the Easter Dinner.

Saturday, April 23, 2011

Beaches...and Bleaches....

We made it barely through the airports and into California.  There was a storm passing through Salt Lake City so we had to fly in circles for a while waiting for it to pass.  Rowdy started to look green.  I can not count on two hands how many times I have cleaned up vomit in public places.  If you are ever in a Schlotzsky's...think of me...this is a particularly fond memory I have...trying to clean up vomit off of the men's room floor on my hands and knees with brown paper paper towels that have a -50% absorption.

Due to the extra time in the air...we had only a few minutes to get to the gate for our next flight.  My mother apparently thought that everyone around us on the plane would care.  She rudely announced to everyone that we needed to get off of the plane first because our next flight was about to board.  To her one cared...and she was VERY put out by the 'old' couple in front of us walking very slowly...because they would not listen to her.

We got off of the plane...and I was the leader.  The directionally challenged leader...meanwhile... while I was trying to figure out where to mom cornered a lady that worked for the airport and told her that our plane was boarding...she seems to think everyone is waiting for her.   She was sure that this lady could radio the plane and they would hold it....JUST for us.  The lady had a very blank stare on her face.

We made the flight .....thanks to the reclining feature on the airplane seats..I got this view in my face for an hour and half ....I think this guy uses more product in his hair than I do....
Blonde?...I think not....

Ham Anyone....

I am traveling with Trudy, Rowdy….and my mother.  It has taken me several months of therapy to recover from my last trip with my mom. We went to Mexico in really it has only been a couple of months since the last trip. When we travel together I am the mom…we switch places. I tell her …do you have your drivers license…passport…blah blah blah…Luckily for the most part she is well behaved…and she has very few tantrums…but she is always doing this thing where she has a blank look on her face and does this low to higher pitched “Huh?” The worst part is that she is no help at all traveling. She insists she knows what she is doing but she doesn’t.

Today we are going to California.

It is a given that I will not be prepared with charged cameras…I never am. I’m really trying this time though. I wish the blackberry wasn’t so convenient… or if it took better pictures that would be helpful. I used to be a better mom…I was…really. I used to always be prepared. I have pictures like crazy from when the kids were little…seriously..I do…. I even used to scrapbook and do all kinds of crafty things..volunteered in the kids’ classes …I was THAT person! I haven’t always been this frazzled…harebrained…unorganized person I am now. I found myself yesterday trying to multi-task... this is something I used to be really good at. I was going to call the schools to excuse the kids. I called one of the schools…then I found myself painting my nails. This wasn’t even on the To Do list. I opened the catch all drawer because I had told Trudy how great she was and how lucky I was to have her in my life. She asked me if she could "please get that in writing"…I opened the drawer to get paper…and remembered…oh yeah I need to call the other was too late...they were gone.

This was pretty much how the whole day yesterday went.

I managed to get up shortly after the alarm rang this morning. Mostly because I know Delta Airlines isn’t very sympathetic to my excuses.


After we got on the road we all talked about how excited we were to get to California. We will see my moms sister..whom we call ‘Aunt Happy’ and her family. I haven’t seen my cousins in a long time so I am also very excited and of course we will be visiting Rowdy’s friends at Disney.

I heard my mom in the backseat *I’m sighing here* mumble something about packing three packages of hamburger and ham. I said “You packed what?!”…thinking I heard her wrong…I asked once again. She said “I packed three packages of hamburger and 2 teardrop hams.”   She said this is if it was the most normal thing to say.  I almost stopped the car.

What can you do…I was trying to think if there is a law against packing meat..I said meat not heat.

All I could say was “Oh Mom.. Sometimes you are so weird.” She said proudly of herself “Well Happy didn’t think it was weird at all….she said it was very nice of me”....uh huh...sure she did...only cause you are both full blooded Norwegians.

My mom… I believe has an irrational fear we may all starve. This is how she shows her love.....  she feeds you.  Apparently she also doesn't think that there are supermarkets in California or that Happy and Husband will be prepared.

When we checked our bags I couldn’t but help chuckle looking at the poor unsuspecting baggage inspectors. I could hear them saying to each other….“Hey look guys!…This here Lady gots a HAM!”

I am glad that the inspection is done AFTER you walk away…I didn’t want these guys to have my face associated with the “Ham Bags”.

The restaurant at ‘Airport One Terminal’ was lovely. No not really. Rowdy was very anxious to get on the plane…asking every two minutes what time it was. Apparently he doesn’t trust people who pack ham in their bags to keep him on schedule. Trudy was looking a little distressed about the upcoming TSA pat down. I told her “Look on the bright side….maybe someone will notice how big your boobs have gotten. She said “Yeah… not like last year when the mean lady told me *deep voice* “Well we don’t have to worry about you hiding anything in THAT`` bra.”

I hope the ham is OK….this is after all our Easter Dinner…..


Monday, April 18, 2011

Dude.... Looks Like a Lady...

It is tough being a 12 year old boy growing up with three teenage sisters...

Not nearly as adorable in person
Learn what you can...when your mom isn't putting her fingers in your ears and covering your eyes....

Get as much advice on 'reelin in the chics' as possible....

Avoid the hormonal roller coasters at all cost....

Find the humor....

And most importantly.... fight for the attention whenever possible.... even if it means wearing ladies underwear.....

Saturday, April 16, 2011

Hide and Seek Boutique

When my mother isn't telling me how much I babble and have unimportant things to say she is usually telling me how amazing and beautiful I am...which has caused a distorted view of myself.  In my minds eye I am a slim 5'7" with a genius mind.  Which for the most part works for me..because really with my abnormally big hair and high shoes...that is pretty accurate...OK the 5'7" part anyway...whatever...

The only time this causes a problem is when I am shopping....I am usually quickly reminded that I am really 5'3" and a size...mumble...which 5'3" is actually very tall in my family of midgets.  I am the big midget.

I spent some time yesterday trying to find a few things for an upcoming trip to the west coast to see my fabulous Aunt Happy...(that's a shout out to you Happy)...I NEED new things to go on trips....because...well it pretty much gives me a reason to shop...and I just like new anything pretty much.

Shopping in Po-Dunk Town, Nowhere is not easy but I can usually take on the challenge.  I started out at a trendy women's clothing chain..and this is what I learned...

  • I need more than one inch of material from crotch to waistband...this is not a good look on me...I need some material to cover my shit and I don't think the world wants to see the cesarean marks from two annoying beautiful children.
  • I apparently am not 5'7" and a size 5. 
  • Just because the jewelry is buy one get one free doesn't mean you need any
  • If you need shirts and shorts...don't buy handbags...this is a reoccurring lesson but I'm a slow learner.
  • Someone needs to explain to the clothing chain that not all girls are a size 2 and not all a size 24.  There are actually a few of us that are average..shut up..I'm average...If they could stock cute things between those two sizes it would be helpful *I'm using my nice voice here*.
Lessons Learned from Store #2...a some what fashionable women's clothing store with great prices....

  • I don't like my waist band right under my boobs.  Call me picky..but there has to be some middle ground say...maybe right below the belly button...this is wear pants should sit...HELLOOOO to you clothing makers....DO YOU HEAR ME?  Also some of us have thighs..strong thighs...we would like pants that fit them...
  • Dont' follow the fat lady wearing the adorable *smirk* red, paint stained sweatpants shopping in the Jr.'s section....she farts really loudly...very startling...I'm not kidding about this either...she farted on the move and didn't miss a beat as she blew up her pants....

  • Something important to remember is that even when someone is put together on the outside...don't let your guard down...because they smile...and cause you to have a strange look on your face...and that is rude.

The next stop was good Ol' Walmart....the lessons to be learned in Walmart are name a few....

  • Some people shouldn't breed...this never ceases to surprise me.
  • A leopard print shirt and purple and pink pajama pants are a 'Don't'.
  • Three days before a trip to the coast is not a good time to discover that your legs look like pale raw sausages....*I'm wincing*  I should have tanned them or something..these suckers haven't seen sun all winter.  I spent the morning rummaging through all the cupboards and drawers looking for some sort of self tanner.  I did a victory dance when I found some spray air brush...I waltzed into the bathroom naked only to discover there was only a spit left...regardless of how hard I shook the can...discouraged and still naked I found some lotion that advertises "glow while you moisturize" I slathered a bunch of that on...*crossing fingers*...I don't want to damage anyone's retina's...Trudy and I love to say the word retina...we think it sounds dirty.."I like your retina"..."Your retina looks good today"....we say this with creepy sultry eyes and a deep voice.
Do you think I put too much bronzer on?
  • Apparently I look dangerous with more than 5 items in the dressing room at a time.  Another way Walmart helps you save money.

Thursday, April 14, 2011

I'll Take The Cherry On Top

Today = Blahhhhh

I think running out of the house this morning with only one leg in my pants, my underwear on inside out and no good options for shoes may have set the mood for the day.  I almost didn't have time to stop and get my coffee which was really a source of panic...but I threw Rowdy out of the car going through the school parking lot going 30mph and that made up a couple of minutes. 

I should go buy new shoes...that usually perks me up.

The stupid raining/snowing weather is really starting to piss me off.

This stupid are you seeing a trend here...everything is stupid to me today...i think I have been hanging out with my teenagers too much....weight loss plan I have been on for over a month is really starting to piss me off too.  I call it the WW123...and I am hungry which tends to make me grouchy.

My neck and shoulders hurt so bad that I have had a 7 day headache that is making me would think vomiting would help the WW123 plan along but I'm not that probably don't need to know that.. but the dirt pusher is at work and I don't have anyone to bitch to about it.  Plus if I bitch to him and ask him to  rub my shoulders he will just think I'm trying to send subliminal hints that I want to get down and dirty....the bags under my eyes and raggedy sweat pants will go unnoticed I'm sure.

Rowdy had D.A.R.E. graduation today.  I'm officially convinced that he may be the most handsome boy in the 6th tell me....

This is the little smart ass....

The two ladies I sat by just love this child and have not wised up to his ways yet...I got to hear "oh little Rowdy...he is so smart...blah blah blah" I just sat there with a confused look on my face. They don't know the child like I do.  I just heard him say "faggot" while playing Xbox again and he leaves a trail everywhere he goes.  He would live in a constant state of disaster if he could and I am very worried about the woman he will marry someday because he does not have the aptitude to listen.  I can ask him to do one small task and for a child that is a 'genius' he will get to the next room and not know why he is there.  Maybe tuning women out is something that is just part of the male DNA...who knows.  When he isn't making a mess he is talking about girls.  Right now I am listening him tell his friend on the phone "Oh who does she like"..."Oh Well she said she liked me today"..."Did you give her my number"..."Well..we will just be single and do whatever we want".  Do these people know they are 12?  "Do whatever you want"?  Yeah right...only with my permission first.  

My day turned up when I read the Onion's blog for today.  I am very excited for the Onion and her sister (whom I absolutely adore).  They are on a trip for the Onion's niece through the Make A Wish program.  It is really an amazing story..I highly recommend you follow the Onion on A Lot Of Layers and learn about the little miracle they call "Madzilla" and all about the Onion's layers.  The Onion named me for "The Cherry On Top" award in her blog today...and I'm not gonna lie...I thought for a moment I was famous and almost pissed myself because I was jumping up and down and had way too much coffee today.  What am I saying..I have too much coffee everyday...but whatever.  I can't prove it but I think the Onion has a crush on me...ever since she started following my blog two days ago she keeps talking about getting felt up by the TSA officials...coincidence..I think not....*smirk* 

The rules for the award are to name three things you like about yourself.

1.  I like that I don't have the ability to lie.  (except about the jelly beans I may or may not have shoved in my mouth on my way to get on the elliptical..wasn't me...)

2.  I like the way I can go a whole day talking in a southern accent without missing a beat.

3.  I like that I can take the fun out of anything if given the opportunity..I think this is an important parenting skill.

The Cherry On Top award also requires that I share 5 blogs that I follow and love.  I am new to the blogger I don't have 5 yet.  But I promise that when I find the Fab will be the first to know.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Random Tuesday Thoughts...

Lucy is not this cute....
I drove by the library today thinking I really need to do more reading that isn't on the internet  and I giggled to myself.  There was a day last winter...which was like yesterday or maybe it is still here...hell if I know...anyway...I thought about this day I checked out books with crickets in my handbag a very cute Coach I might add. This day I had errands to run on my lunch hour and stopped by the pet store to get crickets for my very adorable but unsociable salamander.  Mind you I do not like reptiles...I got her to keep my co-worker's frog company.  In my mind the frog was lonely...and then Lucy (the said salamander) ate the frog and now I'm stuck with this slimy thing... Anyway...the crickets have to be I grabbed the crickets from the pet store and then remembered I needed to run to the library.  As I was getting out of the car I thought about the -45° weather and thought..."self...these suckers aren't gonna survive for five minutes" I shrugged and shoved em in my bag.  I had all sorts of thoughts as I was returning books and relishing in the literature around me.  I kept thinking about the crickets in my bag.  My favorite was the thought of the snotty librarian apparently I don't "look" like a reader screaming at the top of her lungs as I let the little fellers out of their bag all over her desk.  *smirk*  This made me wonder about the crazy stuff women carry in their bags.  I would love to go through women's bags randomly.  I'm extremely nosy like that...and I love bags...and I have a lot of them...mostly because I have a lot of shit.  Even if I'm carrying a small one...I usually have three others with me because if not I will 'need' something I don't my favorite bobby pin ...or something else REALLY important.

The Snotty Librarian...OK not really...
I saw a game warden in town today too.  I can spot that green truck and red outfit..I mean shirt anywhere now.  It wasn't the cute one from my hunters safety class but I still followed him for a couple of miles...did you know these guys carry handcuffs...they DO!

Apparently I'm a worse mother than I had originally even thought.  I'm ashamed of myself.  Trudy got in the car with an official 'Congrats you have been selected for National Honor Society' letter.  I was so proud...I mean after all she clearly gets this from me...although I wasn't in NHS and barely had B's and C's because I was usually practicing my high kicks in the mirror ...I took the letter back to work so I could show it off the the girls.  I try not to be one of "those" mothers...but sometimes..most of the time...I can't help myself.  Everyone 'ewwed' and 'awwed' and we got back to work..well for a few minutes.  I'm a big fan of lists.  I make lists for everything.  I started to make a grocery list and then found myself jotting down acronyms for the names I like to call my ex-husband..i think I'm clever when I do this...on the back of the letter!  I caught myself quickly and was able to scribble them out...and with any luck she will never notice the purple scribbles on the back of the letter. *YIKES*  See...the reasons I'm a sucky mom are endless.  

Making a list of the many reasons not to get on the elliptical was also on the agenda for the day.  I am able to find reasons that don't even make sense if it means ultimately I won't find myself on this death machine...but several episodes of 'Sex In The City" were on and I had internal dialog with myself and we (me and my personalities) compromised and decided if I got on the death trap I would allow myself to indulge.  This show never gets old no matter how many times I have seen all of the episodes. 

Did I mention this elliptical thing really reminds me of running...and I don't run.  Yesterday while at the dentist office waiting for Trudy to get 3 very expensive fillings I was trying to entertain myself.  The only options where one lonely People mag, several National Geographic (boring) and a running magazine.  After I memorized the 'People' I had no alternative but to try to read 'Running World' sounds stupid even saying it.  Who reads this shit?  Give me the know...a little Cosmo..Glamour...Star...the good stuff.

Skinny Bitch

Sunday, April 10, 2011

North South East ...whatttttt...

Put me in a a town/city that is not my own...I turn into an instant idiot.

Normally I consider myself to be somewhat intelligent hard to tell by my poor grammar/spelling sometimes and I seem to function pretty well as an adult in my humble opinion nobody asked you mom.. 

The dirt pusher and I have three teenage daughter's.  Livvy and Trudy had volleyball games in a town a couple of hours away and MiMi had a tournament in town.  We decided I would take the two youngest and hit the road and the dirt pusher would stay home to watch MiMi.  He hasn't had a chance to watch MiMi play much and the other girls have tournaments the next couple of weekends that he will be able to this made sense...i shouldn't be allowed to cross borders alone.

Being the responsible obsessive adult that I am.  I map quested the directions...and yahoo mapped them...msn mapped them, e-directioned them..anyway...then I remembered I don't read maps or follow directions well.  So I called my mom.  I don't know why I do this...i think to torture myself.  I can always count on her to be no help what so ever...but she is my go-to person...sooo I pretty much call her for everything.  She will say something like "oh yeah...that is the big building by the park... we were there when you were 2yrs old for your dad's company picnic.." then she will mumble to herself something about "where did he work then?...I can not for the life of me remember the name of that company".  OK...this is where I remember why I don't shouldn't call this woman for directions.  I figured I would wing it.  I didn't want to but it beat asking the dirt pusher to help me.  He speaks in North East South West.  This is not a language I am fluent in.  I recognize it when I hear it...but...but meeee nooo comppprrreeehheendddee'. (I rolled my R there.)

Okay so he (the guy that pushes dirt) calls me as I am rolling into 'out of town'.  I mention something about how I really don't know how to get to the gym that the girls need to be at.  He says "Oh well I will text you the directions".  There was a lot of 'no problem' in his voice.  He sends the text and this is what it says:  Take a right on D Ave. go south until you get to West C Street at West C Street take a right and go west.  Once on West C Street keep heading west until you get to the stop light and go south.  This is were I am reconsidering the engagement.  This man clearly does not know me yet...then I decide he does...he just has high hopes for me...which is kind of cute.

I managed to find my way with the help of a cute couple in a quick stop..the woman spoke my language..rights and lefts.  Finding my way was not any help of Trudy's....she babbled in the backseat the whole time not contributing anything helpful at all except in pointing out that I ran what I called a four way stop which I ran three more times that day and then later almost ran head into a median..oh and I may or may not have almost hit a couple of pedestrians ...and she pointed out it was actually a THREE-way stop.  She thinks she is an expert on driving now and I was too busy to get into the details because I was busy running the stop sign, talking on the phone and texting.  I know...I don't normally do it but I was trying to get directions damnit!

We managed to get home safely and not even that late considering I had to 'run' by the mall.  The dirt pusher says it is his only wish before he teach me directions.  Apparently the sun is always in the south when it is dead noon...he told me this...OK...and how is that helpful?

Thursday, April 7, 2011

Life Is About Changes.... has already been established that I'm a horrible mother...One of my best girlfriends.. Alyster... pointed out a couple of other reasons today why I should be the "No Good Horrible Mother Club President".  I think it is cute how she is supportive like that.

OK... I get that I had kids early in life.. sorry about freaking you out mom.... I don't think that makes me so bad...but I have been doing all of this team mom, dance mom, PTO Treasurer, Family Fun Night, Family Bingo Night , cake baking, committee this...committee that, fundraising, choir, school programs, blah blah blah...barfffff....for many years and I'm tired of it and I am ready to let others step in.

A couple of nights ago Rowdy had his first baseball practice for the season and when I found out that the coaches wife is and always is the team mom...I accidentally let out a squeal of delight...and did a high kick with a small hip swing.  I will be sitting on the bleachers cheering on my all american baseball player and spitting sunflower seeds through the holes in the chain length fence (with Trudy of course..she is really good at this spitting thing).  I will not be chasing parents down like a delusional freak for fundraising money.....or to give them the "Everyone needs to help score keep" speech.  I won't be frantically putting handouts together after work, calling parents, trying to get the sweatshirt logo just right and then getting stiffed on payments for sweatshirts and socks.

The beginning of June Trudy will be driving on her own and I won't have daily taxi runs to and from the softball fields.  I will be filling up my spare time with art classes and zumba...I will pick at my flowers and water them regularly... not on the way out of the driveway... and the dirt pusher and I will take those walks that I like.... the ones where i do all the talking and he agrees with everything I say.

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Horrible...No Good...Very Bad...Mother

I'm a good...very bad...mother....

This is not news worthy in my home.

Everyone here knows.

I can not stand Myley Cyrus or Taylor Swift.

I don't like crafts.  Trudy is painting a project at my kitchen table right now.  The mess is annoying and I am having a hard time focusing on my Farkle game.  She also keeps interrupting my game with questions and talking...she is cute but she talks A LOT...I thought teenagers where supposed to lock themselves in their rooms and roll their eyes if their parents tried talking to THEM.
"Do you think I should paint this green?"
"Did I tell you about what J (the bf) did?"
"OH MY Gawwdd...look at this..."
"I've noticed if you mix yellow with just looks better" (who knew?)
"I think I could be Kesha if I wanted to...all i need to do is whip out a crazy nose ring..some wacky make-up and then...BAM".  Actually what she said is "all i need to do is whip out a crazy ass nose ring..some crazy make-up and then...*high voice* What's up Bitches."  This all done with crazy eyes. 
"Would you disown me if I was a pothead?"..(uhh duhh)
"What if I was a pothead and had to go to narcotics anonymous and you found out I was skipping.  Would you go sit in the meetings with me?" ...uhh no...see..bad mom...
The cursing is another reason why I'm a horrible mother.  My kids cuss.  I hope not in public or I would bust their kneecaps..I'm subtle like that.  I caught Rowdy saying "Screw that" the other day while playing X-Box and he regularly calls his sister "poop stain" which i think is actually pretty funny.  He had the pleasure of writing a list of ten reasons why he shouldn't cuss.  I was surprised that it only took him a couple of minutes.  I figured he would be at the table for hours since he does it anyway regardless of all the reasons not to.  Next time I'm going to make him write a 500 word essay...*evil laugh*.
Embarrassing my kids regularly is something I take great pleasure in and consider it a hobby.  Sometimes I do it on purpose and sometimes it just comes natural.  I'm very proud of myself when I do it on accident. 

Last weekend after volleyball games I was responsible for one of the dirt pushers daughters.  Livvy wanted to go with a group of friends that I wasn't very familiar with.  So of course..I immediately got on the phone with her dad (he was at work...he likes it when we call all day when he is at work :)  I said to him..."Hi...Livvy wants to go with a group of friends..(I point to a boy and ask his name) she wants to go with a boy named _____..and so and so and so and so..and some blonde girl I don't know"...This was...well...embarrassing....

My favorite thing to do to get a good day started is to yell out the car window after Trudy gets out to walk into school...I yell "MAKE GOOD CHOICES!"  Sometimes Rowdy joins in...this is one of my just never looses its spark and highly recommend it.   She really enjoys it when I honk a few times and wave like a freak.
I'm a horrible mother because I won't let Trudy get her belly button pierced...but I let her pierce her nose.  Just a little stud...and somehow this makes sense to me. 

It is especially awful that I let Rowdy play Call of Duty on XBox for hours.  I'm a huge fan of the headset.  He can talk and play video games with his friends online ALL the time!  It's like a little play date (ok not really) and I don't have to have anyone else's germ infested kids in my house.

I was the mother that propped a bottle in my kids mouths as babies and put their bouncy seat in front of the TV and let them watch the 'Wiggles' for days.  Yes you heard it people..bottle...I did not breastfeed my kids.  That alone qualifies me to be the club 'President' of horrible mothers.

Facebook stalking my kids is another horrible thing I do.  I like to leave creepy messages on their wall and post links to websites about abstinence, puberty and such.  I tend to lean toward using the official names for body parts.  I'm a fan of throwing around 'penis' and 'vagina' whenever possible.  In my defense..I do this for their own good...I dont' want my kid giggling in sex ed class when the teacher uses these words...nope..not my kids...they are used to it.

I get teary when they do something cute...or something great..or nothing at all...ok..i cry..pfftt..  Leaving notes telling them all the reasons they are perfect...that's what I do too...I hug and kiss them..and if we are in public when the need arises...I really don't care.  

Sunday, April 3, 2011

The Legacy Lives On...

Some pretty great things happened this week.

I managed to pass the Hunter's Safety Course along side Rowdy.  I hope that he always remembers that his mom was there with him through the course even though I really wanted to be at home in my pajamas playing solitaire on the computer. I really wanted to beat that little shit  dollface on the written test.  I had planned out my victory dance (dancing is one of my talents), it included a lot of hip shaking and high kicks with finger pointing.. yelling "TAKE IT..TAKE IT".  I learned this victory dance a couple of years ago on American Idol from the crazy ass glitter girl and it never looses its spark.  

this is Glitter Girl..
He beat me..hummpppfff... he only missed one question on the written test and I missed two.  Rowdy being the better man never mentioned that he beat me.  He is so humble and kind.  This is a gifted child that does social exercises with children that have autism in his spare time, so of course he wouldn't victory dance in his mother's face...and he has a damn good victory dance..if it were me I would be showing it off every chance I got.  I'm still not sure where he got these traits because I certainly know they didn't come from whats-his-name and... I'm a gloater.  I admire these traits and try to emulate them although usually unsuccessfully.

I didn't make a fool of myself during the field testing like I had expected and had made myself a nervous wreck about this entire week.  This is a special ability I have...I can take just about anything and turn it into a disaster in my head.  If the tire pressure on a tire of the car is low..I am convinced that the car is on the brink of total distruction and picture myself on the road with the car blowing up...if the wind blows I'm convinced that a hurricane is hitting the state of WY..the roof comes off the house and my family is left without a get the point...basically a nervous breakdown waiting to happen.  I'm pretty sure this anxiety issue is my parents fault...mostly my mothers..probably because she doesn't think I have anything important to say.  Anyway...I manged to crawl through the barbed wire unscathed and with my hair intact..there was a girl that landed flat on her face...but it wasn't me!  *patting myself on the back here*  We had to demonstrate several shooting positions i prefer to call them poses, I have to say my least favorite was the "prone position".  I tell you why they call it 'prone'...because you are prone to getting dirty for are prone to come face to face with a bug or are prone to possibly not being able to get back up if you are over 40.  Lucky for me I'm a young 34 and didn't have a problem getting back up.

So we are officially "Safe Hunters".  After the test was completed Rowdy and I received our cards and badges (I think I am going to wear my badge everyday).  The teacher in charge said something about congratulations...blah blah blah...good luck hunting...blah blah blah...I smiled and said..."Thanks..but I'm a Target Shooter *sweet smile*...and zipped off in the VW Beetle...the car that he laughed at when I drove up and he asked.."Are you going to be hunting in this *chuckle chuckle chuckle*?"  He has an annoying high pitched chuckle.

Rowdy called his uncle Bubba (otherwise known as 'Uncle Girlfriend' by Trudy...don't ask) to tell him that he passed the course.  Bubba is the redneck uncle in the family with way more guns than a redneck uncle should have.  He is planning to take lil' Rowdy deer hunting this fall and was not one least bit scared to take us to the shooting range a couple of times before the course to "get us ready".  He didn't we headed to Grandpa's house to show off the badge of honor....

This is Uncle Bubba when he was a baby...he always had a little overbite
There is nothing like my dad's chuckle when something good happens in the family.  Rowdy went into my dad's house and in normal fashion.. as my dad does...he came down the hallway with his pants half hanging off his ass or where his ass should be anyway I'm not sure if he was born with an ass.  Rowdy showed him proudly his Hunters Safety card...and the big guy chuckled the way grandpa's do when they are proud of their grandkids.  He gave him the pat on the back and the small swat on the butt (this is G-pop's version of a hug).  He told him.."Well bring it in here so I can get a look.."  Rowdy followed him to the kitchen and they admired the card together as two hunters.  (yes I am crying here..cuz that's what I do)

G-Pops told Rowdy the reasons why he doesn't hunt anymore and disappeared down the stairs and brought up the same gun that I remember him using on the hunting trips that he 'let' me carry the heavy ass backpack on.  He told Rowdy it was his now.  G-Pops said..."This is yours now bud...well..I may go Elk Hunting this fall with Bubba....but I'm sure you will let me borrow it" and he winked at his little mini me.  Yes...his mini me...Rowdy has been a double of my dad since the day he was born  to the horror of my mother.  They are both incredibly smart asses.  Rowdy is a spitting image of my dad when he was a young man and I love it...I just hope that he doesn't steal cars etc like gramps...*scardy face* and although they are both right handed they are both left handed shooters.

The week was long and I spent most of it whining like a baby about how miserable I was.....but I feel so thankful that my son will be a hunter not only like my dad, but like all of his uncles and great-grandpa's.  So the legacy lives on...