Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Horrible...No Good...Very Bad...Mother

I'm a good...very bad...mother....

This is not news worthy in my home.

Everyone here knows.

I can not stand Myley Cyrus or Taylor Swift.

I don't like crafts.  Trudy is painting a project at my kitchen table right now.  The mess is annoying and I am having a hard time focusing on my Farkle game.  She also keeps interrupting my game with questions and talking...she is cute but she talks A LOT...I thought teenagers where supposed to lock themselves in their rooms and roll their eyes if their parents tried talking to THEM.
"Do you think I should paint this green?"
"Did I tell you about what J (the bf) did?"
"OH MY Gawwdd...look at this..."
"I've noticed if you mix yellow with just looks better" (who knew?)
"I think I could be Kesha if I wanted to...all i need to do is whip out a crazy nose ring..some wacky make-up and then...BAM".  Actually what she said is "all i need to do is whip out a crazy ass nose ring..some crazy make-up and then...*high voice* What's up Bitches."  This all done with crazy eyes. 
"Would you disown me if I was a pothead?"..(uhh duhh)
"What if I was a pothead and had to go to narcotics anonymous and you found out I was skipping.  Would you go sit in the meetings with me?" ...uhh no...see..bad mom...
The cursing is another reason why I'm a horrible mother.  My kids cuss.  I hope not in public or I would bust their kneecaps..I'm subtle like that.  I caught Rowdy saying "Screw that" the other day while playing X-Box and he regularly calls his sister "poop stain" which i think is actually pretty funny.  He had the pleasure of writing a list of ten reasons why he shouldn't cuss.  I was surprised that it only took him a couple of minutes.  I figured he would be at the table for hours since he does it anyway regardless of all the reasons not to.  Next time I'm going to make him write a 500 word essay...*evil laugh*.
Embarrassing my kids regularly is something I take great pleasure in and consider it a hobby.  Sometimes I do it on purpose and sometimes it just comes natural.  I'm very proud of myself when I do it on accident. 

Last weekend after volleyball games I was responsible for one of the dirt pushers daughters.  Livvy wanted to go with a group of friends that I wasn't very familiar with.  So of course..I immediately got on the phone with her dad (he was at work...he likes it when we call all day when he is at work :)  I said to him..."Hi...Livvy wants to go with a group of friends..(I point to a boy and ask his name) she wants to go with a boy named _____..and so and so and so and so..and some blonde girl I don't know"...This was...well...embarrassing....

My favorite thing to do to get a good day started is to yell out the car window after Trudy gets out to walk into school...I yell "MAKE GOOD CHOICES!"  Sometimes Rowdy joins in...this is one of my just never looses its spark and highly recommend it.   She really enjoys it when I honk a few times and wave like a freak.
I'm a horrible mother because I won't let Trudy get her belly button pierced...but I let her pierce her nose.  Just a little stud...and somehow this makes sense to me. 

It is especially awful that I let Rowdy play Call of Duty on XBox for hours.  I'm a huge fan of the headset.  He can talk and play video games with his friends online ALL the time!  It's like a little play date (ok not really) and I don't have to have anyone else's germ infested kids in my house.

I was the mother that propped a bottle in my kids mouths as babies and put their bouncy seat in front of the TV and let them watch the 'Wiggles' for days.  Yes you heard it people..bottle...I did not breastfeed my kids.  That alone qualifies me to be the club 'President' of horrible mothers.

Facebook stalking my kids is another horrible thing I do.  I like to leave creepy messages on their wall and post links to websites about abstinence, puberty and such.  I tend to lean toward using the official names for body parts.  I'm a fan of throwing around 'penis' and 'vagina' whenever possible.  In my defense..I do this for their own good...I dont' want my kid giggling in sex ed class when the teacher uses these words...nope..not my kids...they are used to it.

I get teary when they do something cute...or something great..or nothing at all...ok..i cry..pfftt..  Leaving notes telling them all the reasons they are perfect...that's what I do too...I hug and kiss them..and if we are in public when the need arises...I really don't care.  


  1. Hardy har! I love it. I am following now, come on over and see the ways i embarrass myself. Happy Sunday, I have been ignoring my kids all morning...

  2. im imagining all the ways you embarrass yourself...and you only ignore your kids on in awe of your mothering...*snicker*