Saturday, December 31, 2011

Call us the Diggers

You can call us the Diggers...its like the opposite of the Duggers.

I am the unsuccessful version Michelle Dugger and everything she strives for.  I have failed and will continue to fail at what I call the 'Michelle Dugger'.  I am about 14 kids short...and I have a brain in my head.   That is something the dirtpushers momma would say..and she would probably call Michelle a dirty bird.  And trust me the dirtpusher is no Jim Bob.

It shocks people..  telling them I have five kids probably cuz I look so young.  Technically only two of them were removed from abdomen by a guy in scrubs and what I imagine to be a VERY big knife....wanna see my scars?  But I feel like I should be free to claim every damn one of these little slob faces as my own.  For many reasons....first of all...they are all adorable, smart and talented.  Who wouldn't want to claim those cute people?  Second of all I spend HOURS and hours a week cleaning up after all of these smart mouthed brats and doing mountains of laundry.  Well technically I don't clean up after the oldest, Dirk..he has what we like to call 'flew the roost' we thank god everyday...but he is annoyingly cute and really fun to trick into eating dog biscuits.  I very highly doubt that Michelle Dugger has tricked any of her kids into eating dog food.  She should try creates a classic family memory.  And I don't think Michelle would telephone her kid talking in a deep southern accent and call herself Louise.. and tell him that he still owes $200 for the taxes on his truck after he was ecstatic that the cost was not nearly what he thought it was going to be...that is just plain mean...I love being a step-mom.

Michelle Dugger does not feel the need to work outside the home.  I do.  I have to get the hell out of here at least 5 days a week.  It is for my sanity...and to support my love for new clothes, shoes, jewelry and handbags.  And I'm too bossy...I could not allow Jim Bob to run the show...I insist on helping and giving my much needed opinions...and I know that the dirtpusher enjoys my input on just about everything...I'm not sure Jim Bob would appreciate tolerate it the way the dirtpusher does.
My kids are also not trained to take care of each other and are rarely kind to one another.  There is conflict of some sort 100% of the time.  It will depend on what to who can not stand who..they silently form alliances..but this changes daily...but they do NOT act like the Dugger kids.  If one of my kids does something nice for one of the others it is most likely because they want something expensive.  I bet the Dugger kids never want expensive jeans or expect new cars... and are happy with hand me downs....well not the Digger kids...they want it ALL.

I have actually seen my kids do worse to each Michelle and Jim Bob's kids don't beat the crap out of each other....

I also do not have a large sparkling clean house like Michelle.  My floors sparkle for approximately 5 seconds after scrubbing and that is only if I yell loudly.  I doubt Michelle Dugger yells at her snot faced kids.  I even tried to hire a cleaning lady and she visited once and said she would call back...and she is now MIA....seriously..I need help.

My kids cuss.  This I can assure you does not happen in the Dugger home.  Rowdy Digger went hunting with his Uncle B-Rad and his Uncle B-Rad's brother.. Richard.. this last deer hunting season, and cute witty little Rowdy Digger made one Dick joke after another until both grown men were blushing...and now apparently Dick Richard doesn't want to go hunting with little Rowdy anymore....  And Livy's mouth... she can make a sailor uncomfortable...bless her heart. Mrs. Digger... ignore my kids whenever humanly possible.  Do you think Michelle Dugger pretends her kids don't exist..I don't think so.  Does Michelle Dugger get tired of the sound of her children's voices...going on and on and on and on and on?  No.  I also have never seen Michelle bury herself so far into a book that all hell is breaking loose around her and she takes no notice...she would never let that happen.

Michelle's kids are also always dressed so sweetly and clean and nice.  A successful day in my house means that Livy hasn't put something on that has been trampled on for weeks due to her inability to use a clothes hamper or a hanger.  My kids wake up approximately 2 minutes before they need to leave the house and I feel a rush of pride if they have brushed their teeth.  How much do you want to bet Michelle's kids brush morning and night?

The way Michelle looks at Jim Bob with such patience and love at all times is almost unbelievable spare me...I can tell you one thing...I would shoot the dirtpusher in the eye if he had impregnated me 20 some times.. I bet i could give Michelle a few lessons on how to tell Jim Bob to get a damn magazine...if you know what I mean.

i really think she should kick him
Yeah...just call us the Diggers. 

1 comment: