Pepper's "It's OK...Christmas Edition" 2013

1. To blog in lists.  Okay that's for me.

2. To find a ball of tangled Christmas lights, throw a ratty piece of tinsel on it, kick it to the corner of the living room and call that shit "Christmas Decorating 2013".  And have a drink.

3.  To eat a SHIT TON (that is a new metric unit) of candy canes and call it Holiday Spirit.

4.  To get an Elf On The Shelf even though your kids are too old for those creepy shenanigans.  Just for the pure enjoyment of making inappropriate scenes with it...

5.  To blame Elf On the Shelf, even though you don't have one.

6. To make ONLY homemade Christmas gifts.  Screw the commercialism and overspending.  I'm making these for EVERYONE on my list.

7.  To avoid stores at any cost, especially Black Friday.  Even if it means getting groceries at midnight.

8.  To LOVE Dolly Parton and Kenny Rogers "Hard Candy Christmas".

9.  To like the movie "Elf" with Will Farrell better than any other Christmas movie.  Even better than "It's a Wonderful Life" and "A Christmas Story".

10.  To let go of the the Christmas card tradition.  I'm lazy.

Expressing Gratitude

I am unquestionably and genuinely thankful.  I swear.  I did my scuzzy 2nd Annual 'Shit I'm not Thankful' post last week. 

You can see it here: I'm a Jerk 

I still feel like a schmuck and I didn't even begin to cover the things I'm not thankful for. I almost didn't even post it but I hate to see my efforts go to waste.  And there was effort.  I could have been laying in my bed watching several season's of Dexter playing solitaire on my phone, which is my favorite thing to do right now.

I'm glad I got the shit post out of the way so I can say some great things because life if good.  Outstanding actually.  And I have some thankfulness to share with you.    

I am thankful for my emotional personality.  I don't mean that I lay around and cry about things.  I mean,  that I feel things incredibly deep in my soul and every fiber of my being.  And I am thankful for that.  I am able to take on other people's feelings as my own and that allows me to connect with them on a level that I don't think I would be able to otherwise.

I am thankful for my quirkiness.  My ability to live in the moment and spontaneously.  For my love of new things, constant change and my ability to put an artistic touch on even the most mundane things.   I'm thankful for my free soul and that I know who I am. These things make my life refreshing and gratifying.

I am thankful for the ability to provide my daughter with a reliable car on her 16th birthday.  She deserved it and I deserved to give it to her.  One of the best gifts I ever gave.  It is still giving.  It will provide her safe transportation home for Thanksgiving.  I am grateful.  But I will be damn grateful when it is paid off.

I am thankful for my oversized, thick and deliciously warm Nike sweat pants.  Hey, it's cold out and they feel soooooooo damn good.  Was that too intense? 

I am thankful that I still have my parents on this earth to love on.  To laugh with, love with, share with, cry with, rejoice with and count on.

I'm thankful for my sister, aunts and sisterly friends that love me despite my odd behaviors and emotional decisions.  For friends that help with the kids when I need help chauferring and am unable to be at two places at once.

I am thankful for the dads that DO laugh and talk to me and don't make me feel less than human.  There is one that isn't afraid to chat it up with me at the kids games and social functions and I love our chats.  He is HILARIOUS.

I am thankful for my job/jobs.  They provide me and the kids the comforts that make life comfortable.  Coffee, handbags, shoes, clothes, jewelry, handbags.  Yes I know I said handbags twice.

I am thankful for the balance of parent and friendship I have with my kids.  I love that my son calls me ma'am but that even still, we laugh and drop it like it's hot at random moments. That means dance, for all you older folk.

I'm thankful that I can see beauty and love people who are different than me and that my kids can do the same. 

I'm thankful for all of you.

With a grateful heart,
Happy Thanksgiving.

Shit I'm Not Thankful For

Disclaimer:  There will be a lot of cussing in this post, because the New Years Resolution I made not to cuss didn't take.  Also, I would like to point out I am an extremely gracious person regardless of what a shitty asshole I may sound like in this post.  And I do sound like a shitty asshole.  I read it.  I think I might have some things to work out. 
  

 

1.  Car repairs.  I don't know why a gal can't just pick out a car that is suitable for her needs and drive that sucker I wanted to say fucker forever...No Hassle or need to call my brother-in-law.  He is sick of my shit.  No new tires, CV Joints I don't even know what that is, brakes, whatever.  Nothing...just drive and drive and drive till you die.  Period.

2.  Thanksgiving posts everyday on Facebook in November about how grateful everyone is.  Nobody cares.  You better be damn thankful for your kids, parents,  job, life, air, food, whathaveyou all year long.  YOU ARE BLESSED EVERYDAY.  But if you are going to do them, be creative at least. 

3.  Marketers.  People who reach me through social media, random text or phone call to 'get together'.  I get all excited that someone actually wants to be my friend this is rare and then I quickly realize after I have paid for lunch, that they really just want to sell me something.  If I want to buy something, I will get in touch with YOU.  This has actually happened to me numerous times, I'm a slow learner and apparently desperate for friends.  Also, 'friends' that don't talk to me unless they are inviting me to some sort of selling party.  I don't want your fucking coffee or jewelry.  What part of single, working two jobs, trying to feed a teenage boy do these people not understand.  I'm broke.  Piss poor broke.  I have even contemplated re-using coffee grounds.  So I am not buying your overpriced beans. I bet I'm losing friends by the second here.  When I say I am not interested, that won't change in a couple days.

4.  Fun size candy bars.  Fuck you fun size candy bars.  You are nothing but a tease.  What is fun, is eating the whole damn bag.  Until you are done...

5.  Fakeness.  Okay, so I have been loving the shit out of these random facts about people on Facebook. I know,  I'm nosy.  People are interesting, I love em and I have learned some interesting things about my friends.   First of all, most of them are actually much more creative than I had thought.  But there always has to be that one person that fucks it up with "1.  I like rainbows.  2.  I like Christmas."  I said that in a fake voice in case you couldn't hear it through the text of this. We the people of Facebook want the dirt.  Period. Give us something good.  You cheated on your third grade boyfriend with a 5th grader slut, you have furry patches of hair that grows on the top of your toes and you wax it.  Maybe you only sweat out of one arm pit, maybe that's me.  We, your friends, need the good stuff.  I would appreciate all skeletons out of the closet.  I would give you mine but they have all escaped because I have a big mouth.
 
6.  The asshole that lives down the street and drives a silver VW Beetle.  Every time I see it coming down the street I think it is my kid.  I miss my kid.
 
7. Extreme right and left wing political people and all their bullshit.  Stop it.  Obama is not a terrorist nor is he the second coming of Jesus.
 
8.  Bullies.  I think this one was on my list last year too.  Whatever, I still am not thankful for them.  These assholes are everywhere.  I get a real charge out of the Anti-Bullying programs in the schools, led by bullies.  It's cute.  And by cute I mean NOT cute.
 
9.  Cellphones.  I'm guilty of browsing while I should be listening sometimes my kids are VERY boring, I'm working on it.  But if you are walking around in public places yappin' your jaws or checking out at a store while on your phone, you are a narcissistic asshole of an asshole.  Yesterday I witnessed a lady special ordering something meanwhile her cell phone rang and rather than sending the call to voicemail, she just chatted away.  The poor salesclerk was trying to get information and the lady was talking on her phone, the sales lady didn't know what she was doing because she was new.  It was ridiculous and shameful, not to mention extremely frazzling to watch and keep my mouth shut.  Don't you want to be in the moment?  Build relationships with everyone you talk to?  Enjoy your surroundings? 
 
10.  Awkward Dads.  OK this is a silent issue no one talks about.  When you are a single mom, none of the married dads will talk to you or look you in the eye.  They pretty much like to pretend you don't exist.  I've actually had men literally turn and walk away from me after I tried to send a friendly greeting, not even showing any decency what so ever as a human being.   Well, here is the problem.  When your kid is friends with my kid, you are going to have to talk to me at some point.  Get used to it.  There isn't a dad in this situation to chat it up with and if there are arrangements to be made, I'm your gal.  Don't worry I'm not going to try to hump your leg or make you do nasty things with me.  I don't want you and neither does your wife more than likely.  So consider yourself safe with me.  I'm actually pretty fun to get to know, give me a chance.

Clearly I'm a jerk.  I will start on my Thankful post right now.  Hopefully lots of graciousness will cancel all of this out.  Amen.

Resist This

I don't want to hear it from any of you.  You know... my limited viewing audience...mostly my aunts and some weirdo from China. It has been so long since I have been on this blogging site to actually write anything, that I forgot how to navigate this stupid web page.   Blooger...oops I mean Blogger is not user friendly in my opinion.  Since I have talked to you all last you need to know I prefer to be called Pepper.   So if you could all go with that I would greatly appreciate it.  Hey...it's my fake persona, I get to be called whatever I want.  And I have a short attention span so Rosa is long gone...we are on to Pepper now.  My short attention span is also the problem with my random inconsistent blog posting.  I'm like...eh'...done that...what can I do that is new.

I am trying to remember what I have been doing lately that I have been so busy not to post anything.  I'm not going to make up excuses, I am still scrolling endlessly through Pinterest.  I made a New Years Resolution to stop that, but I can't.  I have kicked some other WAY worse habits and I mean way worse... though so I figure it all balances out.  Sort of like whip cream on a non fat latte'.  It's basic science. 

This post has been inspired by a HUGE crush I have. I am really not interested in dating.  Unless it is this guy...and if you are a guy and think it could be you...it's not.  The guy I am crushing on doesn't read stupid crap like this.  He spends his time doing great things.  I am working up the courage to talk to him but am afraid I will turn nine million shades of red and stammer all over myself because I don't feel worthy of his presence.  He really doesn't even know I exist....well I did talk to him once, I said "Can I help you?"  Which he should have known meant "Can I smell you and have your babies?"  Whatever.  Apparently I didn't make a huge impression.  Maybe because my face looked like this:

This crushy thing got me to thinking about the online dating post I did a long time ago...remember this: Internet Dating 101
This was not even the full list of bad dates.  I'm shaking my head thinking about one I didn't include that was just emotionally confused.  Hung up on an older lady he had cheated on his wife with...but wanted to maybe possibly date others, but wasn't even sure about that.  Yikes.  What a mess that one was.

So I got to thinking about the irresistible profile I could put out there to maybe catch my dream man's eye.  And this is what I ended up with..

Attention Delicious:  that is what I call him...delicious
Are you interested in chatting with a single, plumpyish older lady with expensive kids and no interest in having any more.  She may be sprouting random chin hair and battling middle age hormonal acne.  She also hates showering on the weekend and snores very loudly.  Yeah.  She is a catch.  And she wants to talk to you hot stuff.

Yeah he isn't gonna be able to resist this.  Nope.

I AM not Naked. I Have Glitter on.

Do you remember my friend Emma?  She is the microbiologist seriously what is that, what a show-off, published I would like to add.  I take a lot of pride in being super great friends with a published scientist.  It is sort of my claim to fame.  Pathetic, but true.  I really need to work on having my own super duper accomplishments.  She is probably going to kill me for posting this, and she has the knowledge and tools to make bodies disappear, soooooo if you don't hear from me tomorrow, you know where to start.

She was nervous when I started blogging, because she knows sometimes my 'filter' doesn't always work well.  And I have done really well at not talking much about her tooting my own horn, because it is important for me to respect her privacy.  And I would like a little credit for that.  It takes a lot of will power to keep my mouth shut.  Especially since she is so incredibly sarcastic, witty and funny and also has a way of being subtle at the same time.  A true talent.  I have never been able to master 'subtle'.

She taught me something very important this week.  She taught me that you are technically NOT naked, if you have glitter on.  Who knew? 

So while I am busy practicing my flute playing this year,  I will be wearing nothing but glitter. 

(See New Year's post about practicing the flute or recorder or whatever it is.)
2013. Bring It Buttercup

Sounds mystical yeah?

 

This Is What I Would Like To Say Today

Dear Coach,

There is a boy trying out for basketball today.  You might notice he is small and skinny for his age and runs a little slow.  You might also notice he is pretty darn handsome. 

I know you recognize him from class.  He is the smartest kid you have ever taught.  He may even be the smartest kid you will ever teach.   But even though he is brilliant, he is humble.  He is kind and gentle.  He is incredibly funny.  He is respectful to everyone around him unless he is playing Call of Duty, that doesn't count.  He is a good friend and a respected classmate.  He is the protector of his sister and the man of our house.  He has commendable work ethic and takes pride in doing his best.  All of the time. 

He works hard and strives to be a good athlete, and although he can be a bit slow and his large motor skills have always lagged behind his peers, he will work his butt off for you.  He will listen to you and be grateful for every bit of feedback you give him.  He will be proud when you have told him 'Good Job' and work to improve anything you say needs improving.  He will be grateful for every minute he is put out on the floor to play.  He will represent your school and team in a fashion that you will be proud of. 

There is nothing more than he has ever wanted more than to be part of the team.  A person of his character deserves to be on the team.  I hope that you understand that today, you could change a boy's life. 

Regards,
His Momma

In the nature of being helpful to the general public, I tend to be a bit of a philanthropist at heart, I have also been working up a few New Year's Resolutions for the rest of you.  You ARE welcome.  Here are a few things I would like you to do this year.

Ladies, stop talking about 'Fifty Shades of Gray'.  It makes you look desperate for a decent sex life and after the initial sock of the idea of being a submissive it is boring.  Same thing over and over and ooooover.  Handcuffs, tied up, beating, handcuffs, tied up beating...you get the idea.  You do not need a man controlling you.  If you want to read a good book I would recommend "Shitty Mom" or "Let's Pretend This Never Happened".  Two of my favorite subjects.

Smile at everyone you talk to.

Not everything needs to be politically charged or marching for the feminism movement.  Chill.

Volunteer.

Gals, stop wearing leggings as pants. No one wants to see your arrsss in leggings.  I don't care if you are a size 2 or a size 24, they are not pants.  It is awkward for everyone.  Cover it up.

Everyone, please I have cried enough tears about it.  Do NOT ask me where Trudy is going to college until I am loading the car and driving her to the location of choice next August.  I will answer "RazorCity Community College" even though that is lie I lie a lot.  She is not going to the local community college, she needs to leave and spread her wings.  But that doesn't mean I have to like it and I don't want to talk about it and it sucks and if you ask, I reserve the right to sob out of control on the spot.  And you will have only yourself to blame.



Don't make me go all ugly cry on you.

Stop acting like a bi-polar manic depressant on social sites.  No one can keep up with whether you are happy or sad.  Good Lord.

Stand up to Bullies

Don't be a bully and stand up to bullies.

We all know you probably have a great exercise regimen planned for the new year, but we don't care, so stop talking about it.  

Be Gracious and Grateful.

2013. Bring It Buttercup.

 

 

2013 is HERE!  Thank you dear lord Jesus!  2012 sucked balls.  I am glad it is over.  Good riddance.  Good bye.  Hasta la Vista.  Aufedersein.  You get the point.  2012 can kiss my ass grits.  I will warn you now, this is going to be the longest blog post in world history.  I have big plans this year.  BIG PLANS.

Disclosure: The following events will not start until February, there is too much pressure with everyone watching in January.

I am going to start by saying I will neither get married or get divorced this year.  And I definitely won't be doing both.  This might not sound like a difficult thing to most of you, but for some of us, this seems to be an issue.

I am going to stop having imaginary conversations in the shower.  Especially imaginary arguments.

I am going to start following the traffic laws and stop acting like everyone else on the road is an idiot except me, when I know damn well I am the problem. 

I will stop watching Sister Wives. But if I do by accident, I will not cry.  Unless a dog dies, then it would be OK.

I will become more environmentally friendly.  I will stop using Styrofoam cups from the Loaf and Jug, even though a drink in a Styrofoam cup is pretty awesome.  I'm taking one for the team here.

I will not lose weight.  I hope this one will be like reverse psychology since I will probably only do half of the things I am promising in this post.

I will stop hitting snooze on the alarm clock a million times on work mornings.  I hope this will prevent the issue I seem to have with getting my underwear on right side out when I am in a rush. 

I will continue to try to convince my boss that I should work from home.  I think I could be VERY productive in my pajamas and with bedhead and I would like the opportunity to prove it.

I am not going to try to convince my kids to zombify every costume idea they have at Halloween.  Even though everyone knows a zombie Honey Boo Boo or zombie Superman would be pretty damn cool.  Whatev.

I am going to stop cussing.  I really am going to do this.  Really.

This is the look I need to stop giving the boy when he speaks French.

I will try to be smarter and understand the things Rowdy talks to me about, rather than just looking at him with a blank face and pretending to understand what the hell he is talking about.

I am going to play the flute more.  Just kidding, I have no idea how to play the flute.  I could play the recorder though.  That is a kick ass instrument.  I can say ass, it isn't February yet.

I am going to stop spending endless hours scrolling mindlessly through Pinterest.  It is stupid.  I just sit there.  For hours.  Practically drooling on myself because my brain is so shut down.  I have got to stop.  Maybe set a time limit. I don't know.

I am going to stop using ..... as a replacement for a comma.  And I am going to start using capitalization sometimes.  I also might start proofreading my blog posts before I publish them, maybe.  Honestly, I hate to commit to that.

I am going to stop fantasizing about Sam Champion and focus my attention on Josh Elliot in the morning while watching GMA.  Since Sam got married last week, I have had to come to terms with the fact that Sam is gay and now married.  Jerk.

I will stop over using the word 'Wenis'.  And I will not make wenis jokes.   Don't confuse wenis with penis.  I will still be making penis jokes.  I would like to state for the record penis is not a cuss word. 

I am going to decide what breed of dog I will get.  If I decide to get a dog that is.  Maybe I should decide if I am going to even get a dog first. 

This actually started out as a self portrait.

I will pay more attention to the topic at hand when I am in a meeting as long as it doesn't last more than 5 minutes.   I will no longer be doodling pictures like the one above.  While in meetings, I will take legitimate notes.  I will not continue to take a strange word that has been used by someone else and write various sentences using the strange word monkey wrench.  I will also not write the name of the President of the company in my notes with hearts by his name.  That is not appropriate.  Also, I will no longer imagine myself using my co-workers hair to make a mustache on my upper lip, in a meeting.

I will no longer have a Tupperware cupboard that looks like a hurricane rolled through it.  I will keep it tidy and organized.  That is a lie.

I will stop using enie menie minie moe as a tool to make big life decisions.

But mostly, I am going to be sarcastic.  That I know I can do.

HAPPY NEW YEAR YA'LL!