I AM not Naked. I Have Glitter on.

Do you remember my friend Emma?  She is the microbiologist seriously what is that, what a show-off, published I would like to add.  I take a lot of pride in being super great friends with a published scientist.  It is sort of my claim to fame.  Pathetic, but true.  I really need to work on having my own super duper accomplishments.  She is probably going to kill me for posting this, and she has the knowledge and tools to make bodies disappear, soooooo if you don't hear from me tomorrow, you know where to start.

She was nervous when I started blogging, because she knows sometimes my 'filter' doesn't always work well.  And I have done really well at not talking much about her tooting my own horn, because it is important for me to respect her privacy.  And I would like a little credit for that.  It takes a lot of will power to keep my mouth shut.  Especially since she is so incredibly sarcastic, witty and funny and also has a way of being subtle at the same time.  A true talent.  I have never been able to master 'subtle'.

She taught me something very important this week.  She taught me that you are technically NOT naked, if you have glitter on.  Who knew? 

So while I am busy practicing my flute playing this year,  I will be wearing nothing but glitter. 

(See New Year's post about practicing the flute or recorder or whatever it is.)
2013. Bring It Buttercup

Sounds mystical yeah?

 

This Is What I Would Like To Say Today

Dear Coach,

There is a boy trying out for basketball today.  You might notice he is small and skinny for his age and runs a little slow.  You might also notice he is pretty darn handsome. 

I know you recognize him from class.  He is the smartest kid you have ever taught.  He may even be the smartest kid you will ever teach.   But even though he is brilliant, he is humble.  He is kind and gentle.  He is incredibly funny.  He is respectful to everyone around him unless he is playing Call of Duty, that doesn't count.  He is a good friend and a respected classmate.  He is the protector of his sister and the man of our house.  He has commendable work ethic and takes pride in doing his best.  All of the time. 

He works hard and strives to be a good athlete, and although he can be a bit slow and his large motor skills have always lagged behind his peers, he will work his butt off for you.  He will listen to you and be grateful for every bit of feedback you give him.  He will be proud when you have told him 'Good Job' and work to improve anything you say needs improving.  He will be grateful for every minute he is put out on the floor to play.  He will represent your school and team in a fashion that you will be proud of. 

There is nothing more than he has ever wanted more than to be part of the team.  A person of his character deserves to be on the team.  I hope that you understand that today, you could change a boy's life. 

Regards,
His Momma

In the nature of being helpful to the general public, I tend to be a bit of a philanthropist at heart, I have also been working up a few New Year's Resolutions for the rest of you.  You ARE welcome.  Here are a few things I would like you to do this year.

Ladies, stop talking about 'Fifty Shades of Gray'.  It makes you look desperate for a decent sex life and after the initial sock of the idea of being a submissive it is boring.  Same thing over and over and ooooover.  Handcuffs, tied up, beating, handcuffs, tied up beating...you get the idea.  You do not need a man controlling you.  If you want to read a good book I would recommend "Shitty Mom" or "Let's Pretend This Never Happened".  Two of my favorite subjects.

Smile at everyone you talk to.

Not everything needs to be politically charged or marching for the feminism movement.  Chill.

Volunteer.

Gals, stop wearing leggings as pants. No one wants to see your arrsss in leggings.  I don't care if you are a size 2 or a size 24, they are not pants.  It is awkward for everyone.  Cover it up.

Everyone, please I have cried enough tears about it.  Do NOT ask me where Trudy is going to college until I am loading the car and driving her to the location of choice next August.  I will answer "RazorCity Community College" even though that is lie I lie a lot.  She is not going to the local community college, she needs to leave and spread her wings.  But that doesn't mean I have to like it and I don't want to talk about it and it sucks and if you ask, I reserve the right to sob out of control on the spot.  And you will have only yourself to blame.



Don't make me go all ugly cry on you.

Stop acting like a bi-polar manic depressant on social sites.  No one can keep up with whether you are happy or sad.  Good Lord.

Stand up to Bullies

Don't be a bully and stand up to bullies.

We all know you probably have a great exercise regimen planned for the new year, but we don't care, so stop talking about it.  

Be Gracious and Grateful.

2013. Bring It Buttercup.

 

 

2013 is HERE!  Thank you dear lord Jesus!  2012 sucked balls.  I am glad it is over.  Good riddance.  Good bye.  Hasta la Vista.  Aufedersein.  You get the point.  2012 can kiss my ass grits.  I will warn you now, this is going to be the longest blog post in world history.  I have big plans this year.  BIG PLANS.

Disclosure: The following events will not start until February, there is too much pressure with everyone watching in January.

I am going to start by saying I will neither get married or get divorced this year.  And I definitely won't be doing both.  This might not sound like a difficult thing to most of you, but for some of us, this seems to be an issue.

I am going to stop having imaginary conversations in the shower.  Especially imaginary arguments.

I am going to start following the traffic laws and stop acting like everyone else on the road is an idiot except me, when I know damn well I am the problem. 

I will stop watching Sister Wives. But if I do by accident, I will not cry.  Unless a dog dies, then it would be OK.

I will become more environmentally friendly.  I will stop using Styrofoam cups from the Loaf and Jug, even though a drink in a Styrofoam cup is pretty awesome.  I'm taking one for the team here.

I will not lose weight.  I hope this one will be like reverse psychology since I will probably only do half of the things I am promising in this post.

I will stop hitting snooze on the alarm clock a million times on work mornings.  I hope this will prevent the issue I seem to have with getting my underwear on right side out when I am in a rush. 

I will continue to try to convince my boss that I should work from home.  I think I could be VERY productive in my pajamas and with bedhead and I would like the opportunity to prove it.

I am not going to try to convince my kids to zombify every costume idea they have at Halloween.  Even though everyone knows a zombie Honey Boo Boo or zombie Superman would be pretty damn cool.  Whatev.

I am going to stop cussing.  I really am going to do this.  Really.

This is the look I need to stop giving the boy when he speaks French.

I will try to be smarter and understand the things Rowdy talks to me about, rather than just looking at him with a blank face and pretending to understand what the hell he is talking about.

I am going to play the flute more.  Just kidding, I have no idea how to play the flute.  I could play the recorder though.  That is a kick ass instrument.  I can say ass, it isn't February yet.

I am going to stop spending endless hours scrolling mindlessly through Pinterest.  It is stupid.  I just sit there.  For hours.  Practically drooling on myself because my brain is so shut down.  I have got to stop.  Maybe set a time limit. I don't know.

I am going to stop using ..... as a replacement for a comma.  And I am going to start using capitalization sometimes.  I also might start proofreading my blog posts before I publish them, maybe.  Honestly, I hate to commit to that.

I am going to stop fantasizing about Sam Champion and focus my attention on Josh Elliot in the morning while watching GMA.  Since Sam got married last week, I have had to come to terms with the fact that Sam is gay and now married.  Jerk.

I will stop over using the word 'Wenis'.  And I will not make wenis jokes.   Don't confuse wenis with penis.  I will still be making penis jokes.  I would like to state for the record penis is not a cuss word. 

I am going to decide what breed of dog I will get.  If I decide to get a dog that is.  Maybe I should decide if I am going to even get a dog first. 

This actually started out as a self portrait.

I will pay more attention to the topic at hand when I am in a meeting as long as it doesn't last more than 5 minutes.   I will no longer be doodling pictures like the one above.  While in meetings, I will take legitimate notes.  I will not continue to take a strange word that has been used by someone else and write various sentences using the strange word monkey wrench.  I will also not write the name of the President of the company in my notes with hearts by his name.  That is not appropriate.  Also, I will no longer imagine myself using my co-workers hair to make a mustache on my upper lip, in a meeting.

I will no longer have a Tupperware cupboard that looks like a hurricane rolled through it.  I will keep it tidy and organized.  That is a lie.

I will stop using enie menie minie moe as a tool to make big life decisions.

But mostly, I am going to be sarcastic.  That I know I can do.

HAPPY NEW YEAR YA'LL! 

Rosa's 'It is OK' Christmas Edition

 

Do you remember a LONG time ago when I was a quick witted smart blogger that only had 13 followers? yeah whatever Well I still only have 13 followers, but I'm not bitter, really it's fine, totally fine.   Well, I had this great idea inspired by a monthly column in the Glamour magazine.  I want to make people feel like "Hey, it's OK to be weird".  One of the first posts stating "It's OK" is right here in case you missed it.  Click This Butterbuns.  

Well I think it is time for a Christmas Edition of 'It's OK'

-  It is OK to watch 'A Christmas Story' over and over and over.  Did you now that this movie was a total flop when it was released in theaters in 1983?   

Seriously, this guy is cracked out.  Who knows what he is capable of.

-  It is OK to think that stinking 'Elf on a Shelf' is just plain creepy.  If I was a kid I would be freaked out by this spindly little punk.  He just sits there with these little beady eyes thinking "I am going to watch you while you sleep little girl."  I would bet the Elf on a Shelf owns one of those suspicious conversion vans without windows.   

-  It is OK to not really be in the mood for Christmas until about 3 days before the 25th and then be all "fAAAALLLAAALAAAAA".

-  It is OK to make your little kid sit on Santa's lap even though they are screaming bloody murder, because really, there is no better picture than a kid freaked out by the big fat man in a red suit.

Classic

-  It is OK to consider SNL's 'Schweddy Ball's' skit with Alec Baldwin one of the best things that has come from Christmas.  It is the gift that just keeps giving. 

Merry Christmas from the Side.

A Tale of Two Shenanigators

(Note:  This is a post I started a few weeks ago and didn't finish.  I gots some serious writers block.  Help me people!)

 

Had a great weekend. 

The weekend started out with a date.  Date night with Trudy.  We shopped.  It is what we do well together.  We are like crack addicts cracking together.  It is a sick relationship.  We encourage each other in bad spending behavior.  But I am NOT visiting local hookah smoke shops with her, so I feel superior to some of the other parents I know.  I try to keep expectations low.

I spent quite a bit of time with my sister on Saturday.  Her and I are NOTHING alike.  Which is why I love her.  We met up with my dad and Stella for a Christmas light parade in the evening, and afterwards we decided to get some dinner.  Dad's treat of course. 

My sister has two heartbreakingly adorable naughty in a cute way girls.  They are 3 and 1.  See pic below for proof of cuteness...and also my way of showing those cute faces off.

They look innocent.  They are working up shenanigans in their head's, I know the look.

Watching my sister wrangle these two kids at any time is awesome for me.  The dialog in my head usually looks like this.  "Oh..Wow."  "Oh..My."  "Holy shit I'm exhausted just watching."  "I gotta get home." 

But I will say, watching her keep them occupied or somewhat contained while waiting for our food for WAY too long, was incredibly entertaining for myself, Stella and my dad.  Luckily my sister didn't notice we were laughing at her expense, because that is not nice.   

So in true 'Rosa' fashion, I have made a list.  This was my nieces 'to do' list for the day. 

-  Remove shoes and socks and drop them randomly while mom is strolling you in the double stroller.  Be sure to do this when she isn't looking, so she doesn't notice until you leave the building.
-  Give kisses (manipulation tactic).
-  Need to go potty, but don't actually go while on the toilet.
-  Pick your nose and eat it.
-  Eat crayons.
-  Try to dump creamer in your drink even though you are broke out in a huge rash from food allergies and you are most allergic to dairy.  Mom freaks at this one.
-  Throw a fit because you want creamer.
-  This is a good time for sweet kisses and 'I love you's'...it gets em every time.
-  Eat crayons.
-  Insist on touching all of the splenda packets.
-  Need to go potty.
-  Eat crayons.
-  Insist that you do EVERYTHING yourself.
-  Decide you don't need a lid on your drink.
-  Eat crayons.
-  Demand in a loud yell "I WANT POP!"
-  Don't stay in your chair while at the dinner table.
-  Whatever it is sister has in her hands, demand to have it and throw a fit.  NO SUBSTITUTIONS.  It doesn't matter if you really want it or not.  Just throw a fit.
-  Desperately need Chapstick, and repeat Aunt Rosa when she calls it 'Lip Shit'.
-  Eat crayons.
-  Give kisses with crayon lips.

My Thanksgiving Post

I am Thankful for:

-  Lists.  I love lists, they make me feel so productive and I love to post in lists because then I don't actually have to write full paragraphs, that is just exhausting.
-  That my computer took a crap the day before the Black Friday/Thursday sales, and a friend that will sit in line with you for hours with nothing to gain personally other than being a good friend.
-  The messy kitchen, because my kids are healthy and able to make messes.
-  Traditional Thanksgiving food.  Stop trying to mess with perfection people.  It is simple.  Turkey, potatoes, stuffing, green bean casserole (yes the pilgrims LOVED French's onions), rolls, and pie.
-  Black Ops, given to my son by a friend.  Being poor sucks, but friends make it less sucky.
-  Yoga pants.  That have NEVER been to yoga.  The closest thing I do to yoga is shaving my legs or bending over to pick up the piece of brownie I dropped on the floor.  
-  Toilet paper and indoor plumbing.
-  Seeing my friend that I have been so worried about and miss horribly, and having peace in my heart that she is OK.  She is one of the most genuinely nice people I know and is a good example of perseverance.  Love her.
-  Missing my mom.   It means that I appreciate my time with her and I feel lucky that she is still on this earth to re-unite with.
-  The broken down computer that my sister gave my son.  His goals to rebuild a computer are now more real to him.
-  AFLAC
-  That even though Thanksgiving will never be the same for my sister and me, it gives us the opportunity to make new kinds of memories that wouldn't have have been made without the changes life brings.
-  My niece and her most adorable dance moves.  She can shake that booty!  And the way her sister copies everything she does.  Two booty shakers in da house!
-  Modern Medicine - Intrauterine/fetal surgery to fix a babies spine so she can have a happy healthy life.  To see god's work...watch the video below...Love this kid.

-  Kids with jobs.
-  Dad's in suspenders.
-  Coffee.
-  Books.
-  Sarcasm.
-  Music and Dancing.
-  Being silly.
-  Being Me.