Picnic Crashers

Picnic Crashers....imagine 'Wedding Crashers'..the movie...only Trudy is Vince Vaughn and Rowdy is Owen Wilson...and it's a PICNIC...and I would really hope there would be a lot less sex and cussing...

I qualify for the Worst Mom of the ...well ever.. in history...for many reasons.  If you need a reminder check out I'm a sucky mom   <----click that 

I had this horrible brilliant idea driving home from work last week.  We have moved recently and there is a nice shortcut I can take to one of the main roadways in town to and from our house.  It takes you around a community park with a lake with lots of activities going on in the summer, baseball fields and lots of socializing...looks lovely if you like picnics.

I knew when I got home I would have the *annoying voice here* "what is for dinner ma"..blah blah blah.  Let me say..both of these people are old enough to make their own food...and it really annoys me that they expect me to do more than furnish the food.  These people know I do NOT like cooking.  I would rather stab myself in random body parts most days than cook food.

While driving...I thought...look at all of that food...conveniently at dinner time.  Now understand...I am a HUGE fan of saving money too.  It is perfect.  Dinner for free and I don't have to cook...thinking...thinking..

All these hungry kids need to do...is go over and join a party..I am very excited about this there are several parties going on every evening to choose from and... they can just pretend like they belong there this is brainlesss.  Eat...and then magically leave Rowdy will prolly try to score a couple of girlfriends ...AND it is practically right in our back yard I am a fan of convenience...SCORE!  Dinner... served every night folks...and it will get them out of my hair for a while.

Rowdy and Truds would be perfect for this sort of gig....they are very friendly, fun, quick witted, cute,love to talk to strangers and those two can really get their dance on...Rowdy specifically has some pretty catchy moves...and I can really see them working their way into a group of people...laughing...making other people laugh.. and making this horrible brilliant get my ass into trouble with DFS idea work..all while doing the 'Dougie'.

A tired talentless artist....in my head.

If I look particularly tired lately...there is a good reason for it.  It isn't because I am pushing 40...and it has nothing to do with a divorce.. moving and furniture refurbishing...a child graduating soon and leaving home I love her very much... or the fact that my momma is moving to another town....and I am used to seeing her anytime I want and I like her close by momma's girl stomping foot.  All of that sucks...really sucks.  I would say sucks balls...cuz that is one of my favorite ways to express how bad I think something sucks...but was told by my boss yesterday that it isn't appropriate.

Do you remember this face...

cute ...right?..

Well the little effer fucker is one of my favorite words lately...it goes well with sucks balls is a bed hog.  A big fat bed hog.  I have a huge bed...a big king size bed.  You would think that would be plenty of room for me and my furry friend.  No.  He insists on sleeping on the same sliver of bed I sleep on. 

I had intended on publishing a blog of pictures to show you the various positions that we move around in throughout the night.  I thought that would be very artsy...just pictures with brief explanations.  I had it all planned out in my head...because I feel like I need to share this accurately for even a little bit of sympathy.  I am an artist...I draw murals on my walls and draw fancy birthday cards...or plan to anyway...in my head.  OK..I am an artist in my head.  I started to draw the various cat/human sleeping positions that I experience nightly...and apparently... I am a talentless artist....unless you like stick figures and other figures that are supposed to look like cats.  So I am forced to fact that I am only an artist in a wine drinking art class....

A tired talentless artist....in my head.

Sunday Confessional

I just read back the post I sent over the world wide web the other night and noticed that there was an error in one of the final paragraphs..annoying...I would like to say this an error on blogger but unfortunately I'm just a really shitty proofreader.  I don't have the patience for proofreading.  That was my apology...I'm shitty at apologies too.

I was trying to point out that Trudy would be most likely to be seen in an episode of Extreme Hoarding within a year of living on her own ....and that she is supposed to be SAVING her money not spending it at the thrift stores.  But any who....whatever.

That isn't my confession.  Anybody that has read this blog or knows me...knows to expect grammatical/proofreading errors from me.

I do have a Sunday confession.  I am prejudiced.  Don't jump to conclusions.  I love most people.  I could care less if you are black, purple, Mormon,  redneck, stupid actually I don't like stupid people, Christian, Democrat, Republican, gay, bi-sexual hey we all got to get our sex on.  You get the point.  Actually I love being around people that are different than me.  I take in every moment with strangers and have a yearning for learning different customs and way of life and learning what makes people tick.  I have a dream that was very Martin Luther eh' that someday I will be able to travel the world and talk to strangers.  I know... I dream big.

Unless you look like this...

This it is just too distracting.  I can't focus.  I can't talk to you if you look like this.  If I try to talk I usually just end up mid sentence with my train of thought....gone.  I may stare with amazement head tilted... as I imagine myself yelling "Free Yourself!"  I probably have a look of disgust too...I apologize for this.  My thoughts are read across my face without me even realizing it.    I will also assume you drive an oversize vehicle like a Hummer or something stupid like that because you clearly have no idea that sometimes less is more.  Okay...there is another prejudice...people who drive over sized vehicles.  I need to stop.....

Triple Front Helix..it is not a Gymnastic Routine

Some of  you now that Trudy is senior this school year.  I have been trying to secretly evaluate her ability to move on in her life without me to 'monitor' boss things.  So far things don't really look too good.  I may have failed her as a parent.  Through the summer break I usually get about 15 emails a day from her work email account to my work email account.  Boy.. she must stay VERY busy....pffftt...  Here are few examples of her emails:


"Yo...I'm starving and it is lunch time...what should I eat."  uhh...whatever you buy.. you have a job that pays well...or go home and make something for yourself?


"Hi momma...I love you...and I miss your face"  Cute...but I know she is about to whip out one of her GREAT ideas.


"Guess what...I'm thinking about becoming a marriage counselor or a psychiatrist"  this is where I reply that becoming a marriage counselor is probably not the best idea...since she hasn't had the best example of marriage...and so I encourage the psychiatrist idea...thinking ...free therapy...raising this kid just might pay off.


"Wadup mommasita...I think I am going to write a book"  I reply: "Oh really...you think it is that easy huh, what will the title be?"   She replies back "129 Reasons why I will never get married and become a crazy cat lady"  Apparently this child has taken on my love for lists and cats, although I'm not sure it would make a good book.


This is the last email I received today "I’ve decided that I don’t ever wanna get married or have kids...I’m just going to have 29 cats...I have the names all picked out…Wanna hear them?  I reply "Sure"...this is what mommas do...they listen to every little thing...and trust me this kid has a lot of every little things...  This is the list she sends back"

1. Fran

2. Gilbert

3. Maxwell

4. Marshall

5. Julius

6. Queerbait

7. Fluffy

8. Cupcake

9. Doughnut

10. Cutie Cakes

11. Jack Sparrow

12. Alice

13. Gretchen Wieners

14. Booger

15. Macchiato

16. Snicker

17. Butter Nugget

18. Boo

19. Ryan Reynolds (this is my favorite)

20. Babaloo

21. BoogaBooga

22. Peanut

23. Penny

24. Poofy

25. Rain

26. Skitz

27. Sunshine

28. Apple

29. Doonhopper

Anyway you get the point...these emails are cute but concerning...and I would like to know why her boss is paying her to send me emails.


Well this afternoon got very serious...she called.  She likes to call and announce herself when I answer like she is the top dog at the local insurance agency she works at...as if I don't have caller ID in the state of art laboratory I work in...yeah I know it is her before I pick up...


Today she announces herself ..and I say "yes Trudy...i know it is you"  She tells me she has a GREAT idea.  Oh trust me that is not a shocker.  She has great ideas everyday...every damn day.


Yesterday it was a masterpiece hair coloring job she wanted me to pull off I'm a retired hairdresser.  I tell her that I have a GREAT idea...my idea is that she does her laundry..clean her car and help me with some other chores.  She tells me that would make her a certified loser.  Of course she says all this is her sweet adorable quiet voice...  


She proceeds to tell me that she really really add five more really's wants to get a triple front helix.  What the eff is a triple front helix? It sounds like an acrobatic trick.  Well apparently it is a triple ear piercing. 

this looks like three holes to me...but I suck at math

Knowing I am not a fan of piercings and have already let her have one in the top of her earlobe and a small stud in her nose gross...she tells me that she will let the one in her top ear close.  Then she can get the triple front helix and it will be the same number of holes.  Ummm.. well I pride myself on my mediocre math skills and tell her that with the name triple...that would probably mean three.  She admits that it would be three...but then brightly informs me you can not get all three at the same time..and by the time she gets the other two...she will be 18.  I say.. "Oh.. well is that so."


She already knew what the answer would be before she asked.  So she whipped out what I call the 'Proposition'.  She tells me she will pay for it...well isn't that nice?  She says.."And..I would promise to keep my car clean for a whole year".  Which I already know is lie.  This child is a mess...she is a nightmare for a mom with a slight case of OCD.  Just the other day she gave my mom a heart attack...my mom looked in her car and the floor board was packed with so many clothes it flowed over onto the backseat with a couple more layers...and my mom looked at ME!  So I tell her "OK.. so you are trying to negotiate this with things you are already expected to do...even though you don't do them?"  Then she promises to keep her room clean.  At this point she is really grasping at anything.  The child is not going to keep her room clean.  Then it dawns on me this person I have raised is a liar!  She will not keep her room clean.  


I would guess that after being on her own for a year maybe lesspoint out...she is supposed to be SAVING her money.


Anyway...I'm getting off track here...the girl has a few issues lets not point fingers at which parent is to blame.  So when the conversation wasn't going her way she said well I am very busy at work...I will talk to you about this tonight.  Busy?  Busy? 


She has proceeded to try to wear me down with cute little remarks tonight it isn't working and pulling out the so and so's dad is going to let her do it.  So in typical parent fashion I say to her "If so and so jumps off cliffs will you?"  She replies back...yeah...we jump off cliffs at the lake all the time.


Hummmppphhhh.............

I DO have important things to say!

Do you remember when I started this blog and I promised that I had important things to say...and then I didn't?  Well guess what!  I have something important to pass on...this is very exciting!    This is not the post where I am going to announce that I will be running for president with a sassy campaign slogan like .."Legalize Marijuana For a Happy America!"  I think I will need to work on covering up some of my past marriages before I run for Pres...I'm afraid to give off the 'I'm not into commitment' thing I've got going on.  I have a feeling that to be elected President...you would need people to think that you can stick with something longer than 3 1/2 months.


Anyway...back to my VERY important announcement no I'm not pregnant....Well you know I love coffee...no that's not the important thing..I have discovered a a way to drink AND keep my coffee hot.  I HAVE to have my coffee hot...not sort of hot...HOT....and I was constantly re-warming in the microwave...I drink slow...so shoot me.  Are you ready......

You can find at Shop Thermos.com ...Thermos Nissan Products

This is it!  Keeps your coffee hot for like 12 hours!  It is amazing!  And if I was Oprah...I would give one away to the whole audience!!!  But I'm not...so buy your own...or figure out how to get on my Christmas List...

What Doesn't Kill You...makes you tired

Have you guys heard the song by Kelly Clarkston..'What doesn't kill you ...makes you stronger'.

What a line of crap.

I can not stand that quote.  Who even thought of that?  And now there is a song that takes the most stupid  quote in the WHOLE world and puts it in a nice little tune that I can not get out of my head!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Fuck Really?...what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.  No...what doesn't kill you...makes you bitter, pissed off, revengeful, and bitchy.  I know this for a fact.  One of my other faaavooorites is 'Good things come to those who wait'....and this is the motto all of my lazy kids live by.  The just think they can lay around eating our food and watching our T.V. and good things will happen to them.  They seem to be VERY confused at the idea that with hard work...blood, sweat and tears ...good things happen.

yes..with a job...comes money

I haven't blogged for a while....because I'm addicted to playing solitaire on my new Kindle Fire.  I know..pathetic.  I have this great device for reading, interneting and shit...and I'm playing solitaire.  I'm ashamed of myself.  Before I got my Kindle Fire..you rarely caught me without my nose in a book....and now...I'm playing solitaire.

I have been busy though..with other things too.  Like keeping up after this family..which is exhausting and frankly another reason I know for a fact...what doesn't kill you ...DOES NOT make you stronger.  It makes you tired.  I love them...but I am ready for them to move away.  Me and dirt guy...we love each other so  much and love spending time alone...ALONE...did you get the alone part?  But...there is no reason to believe that we will be alone anytime soon....so we are building a HUGE house....so we can pretend we are alone...  even though all of the money sucking shits will still be in the house.  We had a few hopeful moments thinking Mimi was moving after graduation this May...but somehow I have convinced her to stay here and go the local community college for the first two years.  Sometimes I am my own worst enemy.  There are days when she says she is moving...on the days she is pissed at me...but usually by the next day she has decided that living here is not too bad...I mean it's a pretty good gig they got going here.

 I'm glad she is staying...I would miss her.

Rock Hard

Please be advised...I am eating a Large fry from Wendy's while eating..I mean writing this post...it could be a little salty...sea salty.

I titled this post Rock Hard..because I'm betting it will help me get a broader viewing audience.  Jokes on them eh'.

Rowdy has started basketball.  It is fun...watching all of the weirdo's at the local recreation center..no I don't judge watching Rowdy be adorable.  He is really good at being adorable...he always does this thing when he watches me walk in.  He looks at me and smirks and winks and I can hear him clicking his cheek...even though I'm not close enough to actually hear it.  I'm also thinking that he is cuter with his eye brows...thank god they are growing back.

When I'm there watching Rowdy, it is hard not to notice all of the people around me...working out...jerks.  I catch myself talking to myself in my head. It probably does not surprise you to know that I actually have a lot of dialog with myself going on in my head..many conversations...constantly..it is exhausting.  I'm not sure if that is a mental disorder or not.

I'm there at the 'Place of Excercise' and I see these people making healthy choices in their lives...I think to myself...me and the dirtpusher should do this.....and I actually get excited about it.  Thinking that we could do all of these activities together.  I picture us on the treadmill or elliptical.. side by side.  Laughing...visiting..and looking awesome ....I would be wearing hot yoga pants and a sports bra...showing off my six pack abs while making running look effortless...and flawless without make-up or a big tada with the hair.  He would look good too...but I'm mostly focusing on me here.  I would not be gasping for air and hanging off the side rails begging for mercy.  Then I remember I'm supposed to be watching Rowdy.

that's actually a picture of me and dirtguy...really..it is

Me yelling here.... "Way to go bud!  Way to be aggressive!  I have no idea what is going on in the game.

Then I notice the skinny lady walking the track...and I mean skinny....nothing but bones here people.  Shouldn't she be out eating a milk shake or something?  If I was that skinny I would not be exercising.

My attention goes back to the bouncing ball game...oh yeah ...basketball.  "REBOUND!  JUMP TO THE DAMN BALL!!!!"  I love being a supportive mom.

Daydreaming again...about lifting weights with the dirtdigger..he has this chest that is absolutely delicious and we may have a small make out session in the weightlifting department...or whatever you call it.

And then I notice the fat lady trying to run the track...mood killer.  Seeeee this is exactly what I am scared of...looking like this in public....my boobs bouncing uncontrollably...its not good to have large boobs..it prevents me from exercising..yeah that's the reason.

Before I know it the game is in the fourth quarter and the dirtpusher and I have been to Yoga, ran sprints, did abdominal training with the big bouncy ball and Zumba...in my head of course.  I've managed to shout out a few ...'There you go's' to Rowdy.  I think in my head about how.. if me and dirtman fit this workout regimen into our schedules like we need to...and we want to do it together...that it will mean less time with the kids in the evening doing family activities...pffttt yeah right...what i really mean is TV watching, pintrest, facebook, and blogging.